The Thorny Path of Infertility

Imagine with me that infertility is really a journey. You stand at the beginning of a path and when you walk to the end of the path, your issues will be resolved. What does this path look like? What will it take to get to the end?

There are many twists and turns. You cannot see if you are at the beginning or nearing the end. You just know you cannot get off this path. You must follow it until it ends.

Look down by your feet. What do you see? You see thorns all around you. Thorns on the right side of the path, thorns on the left side. You see them all alongside the path behind you, and all alongside the path in front of you. If you step on one, the injury would cause great pain and make it harder for you to continue on your journey.

But look! There’s a shortcut! That path has flowers instead of thorns! The only problem is that you must walk through the thorns to reach that path. Oh, the pain those thorns would cause. Is it worth it?

There are so many questions, so many “what if’s” along the path to potential parenthood. Each one is like a thorn in the way.

What if I go the wrong way? What if I get lost? What if I can’t find my way out of the woods?
What if I choose the wrong treatment? What if our savings is lost? What if I can’t find my way back to God after the way I’ve spoken to or about Him? What if we have to consent to IVF and it fails? What if my marriage fails? What if there is another diagnosis? What if my husband says ‘no more’? What if I conceive and lose a child? What if we make the wrong choice as to whether to go to a different doctor or not? What if…? What if…? What if?

The burden of making so many life-changing decisions in the midst of such stress can be so overwhelming! You gather as much information as you possibly can, yet you still cannot understand the medical jargon or even the financial statements. The pressure is mounting!

You desperately need a guide down this path. Sometimes it is easy to see which way to turn. Other times the thorns are hidden among the foliage and they catch you by surprise. Who can help you navigate this unknown territory?

Let’s go to the third chapter of Proverbs.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Don’t understand exactly what you’re supposed to do? Here’s the good news. You don’t have to! In fact, God tells you not to! Don’t trust in your own understanding. Remember that there are times when your understanding of a situation is not accurate!

Trust God! Trust Him with all your heart! Trust Him with your future, with your body, with your family. He’ll direct you down this path of infertility.

(Taken from Sarah's Laughter)

I'll Praise You In The Storm

Below are the lyrics of an amazing song entitled "I'll Praise You in the Storm" by Casting Crowns. This song is a perfect reflection of how I feel being caught in the middle of an infertility storm.

I was sure by now that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day, but once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining … As the thunder rolls, I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, “I’m with you.” And as You mercy falls, I raise my hands and praise the God who gives, and takes away --

I'll praise You in this storm, and I will lift my hands, for You are who You are, no matter where I am. Every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand, you never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm.

I remember when I stumbled in the wind. You heard my cry. You raised me up again. My strength is almost gone, how can I carry on, if I can't find You? As the thunder rolls, I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I’m with you." And as Your mercy falls, I raise my hands and praise the God who gives, and takes away.

I lift my eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and Earth.

Dr. Ke, M.D.

Here is a biography of my doctor.

Dr. Ke is Board Certified in Reproductive Endocrinology and Director of In Vitro Fertilization Services at Fertility Associates of Memphis and Director of Andrology at Memphis Fertility Laboratory, Inc. He is also Associate Professor in Obstetrics and Gynecology at The University of Tennessee, Memphis. Dr. Ke is a native of Canada, where he completed his medical training at McGill University and a residency in Obstetrics and Gynecology at the University of Manitoba. His sub-specialty Fellowship in Reproductive Endocrinology was completed at The University of Tennessee, Memphis, in 1992. Since that time, he has maintained an active practice in medical and surgical infertility, assisted reproduction, polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), menopausal medicine, and reproductive endocrine disorders of all age groups. Dr. Ke is board certified in both Obstetrics and Gynecology and Reproductive Endocrinology. In addition, he is certified by the State of Tennessee and the American Board of Bioanalysts as a High Complexity Laboratory Director. The author of over 40 publications and 70 invited lectures, Dr. Ke was an investigator in the Women's Health Initiative (WHI), a federally funded multi-center scientific study that was the largest on women's health ever to be undertaken. Dr. Ke has been named one of Memphis’ Best Doctors each year since 1999 and a Best Doctor in America annually since 2004.

Ups and Downs

The ups: I STARTED A CYCLE ON MY OWN TODAY! Woo Hoo!

The downs: I obviously am not pregnant.

I am going to do the Femara again 5.0 mg Day 3-7. I will get an ultrasound on July 19 to check for follicles. If I have one, I will get the trigger shot just like before. This cycle, since I ovulated with this protocol last time, we have decided to try an IUI. Lord willing I will ovulate like before or better. The IUI will more than likely be on Tuesday the 21st. Please keep us in your prayers that this protocol will work. The next step is injectable medication which is really expensive. That is one reason we decided to try just the Femara one last time.

Jesus in Me

People everyday all around me are watching me... It is kinda like I am under surveillance. Not the FBI type of surveillance, but more so watching "me" and how I act, trying to figure out who I am. It is strange, but honestly I watch people. I think to myself often if a lady with a newborn baby had been trying to years to receive her precious gift or if she got pregnant "the first month" of trying. Maybe she wasn't trying at all. I watch people. I try to figure out what is going on in their lives. I watch parenting styles. Just everything pretty much.

Infertility is a struggle unlike no other. It affects every aspect of your life--your finances, your sex life, your marriage, your relationship with friends and family, your relationship with Jesus. There is no part of your life it does not touch. People around me are watching me to see how I deal with this crisis in my life. Honestly, a lot of people do not know that my husband and I are dealing with infertility. But my question is this: If they do know (or if they did know) that we are dealing with inferility, would they see Jesus in me? Will they see that I rely on God? Will they see my faith through the storms of infertility? Or will they see me shed gallong of tears? Will they see that I sometimes plead with God to make the hurt go away?

I have learned that people can see Jesus in me even when I have tears and emotions. I am not failing God or showing lack of faith if I hurt. God placed "baby hunger" in my life. Jesus had faith! Great, great faith, but he also showed feelings.

Recently, I have just really started speaking out about my infertility. And, you know, it really surprises people to hear that we have problems conceiving. But I have learned that it is okay to open up to people. God has used this trial in my life to make me who I am today. Inferility is my testimony.

I only know a handfull of people who have personally struggled with infertility. I like to think that I have touched their lives on how I choose to deal with my struggles by maintaining my faith. I definitely have moments of fear, times of frustration, and days when I simply refuse to be around pregnant people, but I believe that if I just hold on to that faith, even if I cannot see God's perfect design for my life, God can--and will--use me and my struggles with infertility to reach others to Heaven. This is just one reason why I consider infertility a blessing.

Day 23 Progesterone Level

I went in yesterday for a Day 23 Progesterone Level (Day 21 was over the weekend). I got the results today and... Drum Roll please..... I OVULATED!!! WOOO HOOO! My level was 13.6! Of course I am hoping for a positive pregnancy test, but if that does not happen this month, then I have to wait til day 40 and if I still have not started and do not have a positive test, I start Provera.. and on to bigger and better things... injectable! Ahh! I just hope it does not go to that point.. but if it does, I will be okay with it! I have jumped through leaps and bounds and it is such an accomplishment for me to have even ovulated!

Anger

Do things hurt less because we love and trust God? No. I think it hurts more because we somehow believe that God is supposed to protect us from all things which are bad. Yet, bad things do happen. Or, we think that because we’re Christians, we should be immune from experiencing pain, discouragement, or even anger. How we respond to these emotions is key.

I’d love to tell you that I’ve got it all together and I never struggle in my walk anymore, but that simply is not true. I still get angry. But I have learned to take it to God. He knows what’s in my heart, so I might as well tell Him how I feel. Because only then, can He heal me, comfort me, and give me a “peace that passes understanding” while I’m still hurting.

The Bible states, “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” (Psalm 30:5) What it doesn’t say is that those nights can be really, really, long! But morning will come. Joy will come.

(Taken from Sarah's Laughter)