Journey

It has been a month since my last post and it was a break that was much-needed. A lot has happened over the past month not necessarily to my daily life situations, but to my inner thoughts and mind. I have been feeling uplifted and blessed, not angry and bitter or jealous. I feel closer to my husband than ever before. I cannot really explain it... and I still do not have a blessed womb. That just goes to show me that I can be happy and make good of my infertility struggles with God on my side. He has been my constant friend and companion through this entire journey which is still on-going, but my struggles are becoming strengthened day by day.

I have been thinking about life and struggling with the "whys" for so long that I just needed to give it up. I feel at peace about our decision to hold off several months before persuing IVF. Not only for financial reasons, but for reasons to grow stronger to God and to each other as a family. And also to enjoy Ryder. He has been an incredible blessing to our family and that is one reason why it is so upsetting to me that I may never bring another child into this world. He has brought so much joy that I would love to add on to that joy. I would love for him to have a sibling one day, but I know that God has His plan and purpose which is greater than anything I could even imagine my life being years down the road. I have faith and trust His timing and His control over my life. I have decided to give it up... literally... it is completely His choice if I have another baby. He knows what I can handle and what the best situation for our family is. He knows if Ryder needs a sibling or not and when if he chooses to take us down that path. I have learned to be content. I look at Ryder everyday and he just changes so fast... within a blink of an eye he is changing rapidly. I enjoy watching him grow and mature... learning new things and talking more and more everyday. Those little moments make me the happiest. And to know that I have the most amazing, supportive husband walking this journey with me so we can grow into more Godly parents. I wouldn't have it any other way. I would not change the fact that I am infertile. God loves me that way and my husband loves me that way... I am quickly learning to love myself that way. That is how God perfectly designed me and He does not make mistakes. It is all done according to His good and perfect purpose.

I have learned through his experience more about myself and my relationship with God and my husband and child than I ever thought I could take from his painful, agonizing journey. I am still growing and learning and dealing with this journey... and I look forward to living what God has in store for my future. Anything that causes me to seek God brings blessings! I am contently awaiting those blessings, but I have faith and trust God that great things will come from infertility. This situation that has driven me on my knees is great for me to experience. It gives me strength and comfort. It strangely enough reminds me that I have something in my life that cares for me so much. God has revealed much about his character throughout my struggle. When I started this walk I would have never imagined being in the place that I am now spiritually. Today I think, how could I ever stray from God? He has been there the entire time. Loving me. Guiding me. Strengthening me. I continue to pray to God for strength and wisdom. Lord willing one day this journey will be complete. It will have an end. Even though I cannot see that end now, I know it will come. And I will give God ALL the praise for running the race with me and pushing me to the finish line.