Chiropractor!

So! A few people recommended me to Dr. Price in Arlington, so I went! It was a great deal with the x-rays and everything included. He has worked with several infertile women and has gotten them to cycle regularly and even gotten some to get pregnant! He has noticed with every woman that he has worked with with infertility that our sacrums are not in the correct place. He has me on a plan to have adjustments done over the next year. I really am amazed at what a great opportunity this might be! God is so good! I have had a few adjustments and I have been kinda crampy.. which could mean that I might start on my own eventually! That would be fantastic! My adjustment plan:

3x a week for 8 weeks
2x a week for 8 weeks
1x a week for 8 weeks
2x a month for 6 months

I really hope this works. If nothing else, it would be great to see myself cycling on my own! That would be a major blessing and improvement from how my body is functioning now! I will update in a few weeks with how things are going.

Trying Something New...

So, my insurance stinks and since we are completely blessed with the ability to have one child, Robbie and I are considering not doing IVF. We were not going to do it until next Fall anyways, but now it seems like it might be a little longer than that. We cannot financially dish out 10 grand. So, I have been thinking about it and I think I am going to see a Chiropractor that specializes in infertility. We will see! It doesn't hurt to just try it. I know of a girl that went off her ovulatory medications and went to see a chiropractor and she thinks she is pregnant! So, maybe it will work for me! I made an appointment with a doctor in Arlington for Wednesday. I will update when I know more!

Only Child

When family planning, some people think it is best to have just one child, while others decide to have more, so their current child won't be alone. For those who had siblings as children, it may be hard to imagine what it is like to be an "only". As a grown-up only child, here is my perspective on what it is like, firsthand.

Many kids think it is a desirable position to be an only child. Well, yes and no. First, only children grow up with just adults to talk to at home most of the time, unless other children come to visit. Since the only child has no siblings to interact with, he or she relies on school and church friends to help them learn socialization skills, such as learning to share, conflict and forgiveness. Not being around other children as much as their peers with siblings, only kids may be more independent. Most only children grow up to be introverted. I feel I am marginal... sitting somewhere in the middle of being an introvert or an extrovert. I cannot bring myself to honestly believe I am one or the other. I feel as though since I did attend Sunday school and school starting at the age of 3, that made me more socially involved and get more interaction with peers than other only children.

Frequently, I used to hear things like, "All only children are spoiled." There are aspects of the only's world that are envious to others, such as having one's parents to oneself. Also, since there is only one child, the parents can spend more money on toys or gifts for the child. Yes,
the material things are nice, but things are just..things. It is better to have human interaction than a mountain of toys. Too much gifts and toys can leave the child feeling entitled and always wanting more. Though I did get a few extravagant gifts as a kid (my fourwheeler, Jeep, etc.), I learned to work hard for things I really wanted. Reluctantly, I learned that things wouldn't be always given to me whenever I wanted them. Other only children I knew as children were showered with gifts all the time, but I also saw wealthy families with many kids that got even more material things than I did.. So, it really just depends on your family situation. What kind of values the only child grows up with depends on how the parents handle discipline and distribution of gifts during their formative years. My parents gave me things, but also taught me the value of them. I had jobs and learned how to save money.

Being an only child can be a lonely experience. I like solitude, and can tolerate much more of it than many people I know, but sometimes being alone can be difficult. Sometimes I am envious of others who have siblings that they are really close too, but then I have to think to myself that just because I might have a sibling does not mean that I would be close to them. I know many people that have siblings they rarely talk to or see for that matter. The loss of family members to an only is highly devastating, so it is important to have friends or a spouse to be there in tough times. My family is alive and well, but my biggest fear is losing them someday, as this is unfortunately, an inevitable part of life.

One of the joys of being an only child is the deep connection shared with our parents. Many solitary children I knew as kids grew up to be independent, yet very attached to their mothers and fathers. I am very close to my parents.

All in all, being an only child can be pleasant and peaceful. I was able to concentrate on my individual pursuits such as singing, cheerleading and violin lessons, without having to argue with siblings about anything. I was able to have my parents at everything I did. And they were there together. There was no "Dad will take brother to baseball practice and Mom will take me to my cheerleading competition." They both attended all my events and we were together as a family. Rarely separated. I got to enjoy doing extracurricular activities. I didn't have to share my mom and dad with anyone. I feel as though I was a better child growing up and obeyed the rules more, rarely getting in trouble, because I had no one to blame my faults on. I had to suffer all the consequences since I was always in the wrong. I feel as though that allowed me to strive to be a well-behaved child and teen.

Since Robbie and I are in the middle of planning our family, it has really gotten me thinking. Robbie and I come from differents families so we are able to discuss the sibling vs. only child issue. Right now, especially because giving Ryder a sibling is going to cost us roughly 10 grand, we are contemplating Ryder being an only child. I know we have a little while to make our decision, but it is nice to have thought out the pros and cons of being an only child from my perspective. Some days I would love to be pregnant again and given Ryder a sibling.. other days I want him to be an only child and not have to endure this infertility journey anymore. Some days I want to continue the journey since we have gone so far already.. other days I want to quit thinking about it and how uneasy family planning comes to us. Other days I feel like maybe I just like the idea of being pregnant again and not the idea of actually having a baby brother or sister for Ryder.. And then there is the whole idea that I honestly would really love to have a girl one day.. but I do only have a 50% chance even if I do get pregnant of it being a girl! But it comes down to when I really want another baby, I could care less if it is a boy or a girl... I would take another boy in a heartbeat! Ryder is amazing! This is just a really hard subject to face especially since if we want our end result to be able to bless Ryder with a sibling that this will cost us an incredible amount of money. I pray for God's wisdom to help us make the right decision for our family. I pray that we will have peace with the decision that we make. I pray that we will do what is best for Ryder. I am so richly blessed to even have one child. Ryder is my miracle baby and if he ends up being my only one.. I will be so happy!

So.. here are some questions I have to face: Do I want my children to grow up together, form bonds and support one another as they get older? Or, do I prefer having a child who will possibly be more independent and preferring the company of adults to children. I have read this book by Kevin Leman called Birth Order. It talks about the psychological traits of only children versus second born or third born siblings. I read about their usual characteristics and they seemed very accurate in most cases, to me. I have to remember that whatever I decide will affect my child for the remainder of his life, both in positive and negative ways. Robbie and I need to weigh out what we think is best for our child and for ourselves. Whichever choice we make, it needs to be whatever choice will allow us to be there for them the most. I have learned with being an only child that the greatest gift you can give is love and time.

Ps. 34:19

"A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all."

This verse was mentioned in the sermon this past Sunday morning and it was very encouraging. God is there throughout my entire journey with infertility and He will be there for me and help me through my struggles.

Journey

It has been a month since my last post and it was a break that was much-needed. A lot has happened over the past month not necessarily to my daily life situations, but to my inner thoughts and mind. I have been feeling uplifted and blessed, not angry and bitter or jealous. I feel closer to my husband than ever before. I cannot really explain it... and I still do not have a blessed womb. That just goes to show me that I can be happy and make good of my infertility struggles with God on my side. He has been my constant friend and companion through this entire journey which is still on-going, but my struggles are becoming strengthened day by day.

I have been thinking about life and struggling with the "whys" for so long that I just needed to give it up. I feel at peace about our decision to hold off several months before persuing IVF. Not only for financial reasons, but for reasons to grow stronger to God and to each other as a family. And also to enjoy Ryder. He has been an incredible blessing to our family and that is one reason why it is so upsetting to me that I may never bring another child into this world. He has brought so much joy that I would love to add on to that joy. I would love for him to have a sibling one day, but I know that God has His plan and purpose which is greater than anything I could even imagine my life being years down the road. I have faith and trust His timing and His control over my life. I have decided to give it up... literally... it is completely His choice if I have another baby. He knows what I can handle and what the best situation for our family is. He knows if Ryder needs a sibling or not and when if he chooses to take us down that path. I have learned to be content. I look at Ryder everyday and he just changes so fast... within a blink of an eye he is changing rapidly. I enjoy watching him grow and mature... learning new things and talking more and more everyday. Those little moments make me the happiest. And to know that I have the most amazing, supportive husband walking this journey with me so we can grow into more Godly parents. I wouldn't have it any other way. I would not change the fact that I am infertile. God loves me that way and my husband loves me that way... I am quickly learning to love myself that way. That is how God perfectly designed me and He does not make mistakes. It is all done according to His good and perfect purpose.

I have learned through his experience more about myself and my relationship with God and my husband and child than I ever thought I could take from his painful, agonizing journey. I am still growing and learning and dealing with this journey... and I look forward to living what God has in store for my future. Anything that causes me to seek God brings blessings! I am contently awaiting those blessings, but I have faith and trust God that great things will come from infertility. This situation that has driven me on my knees is great for me to experience. It gives me strength and comfort. It strangely enough reminds me that I have something in my life that cares for me so much. God has revealed much about his character throughout my struggle. When I started this walk I would have never imagined being in the place that I am now spiritually. Today I think, how could I ever stray from God? He has been there the entire time. Loving me. Guiding me. Strengthening me. I continue to pray to God for strength and wisdom. Lord willing one day this journey will be complete. It will have an end. Even though I cannot see that end now, I know it will come. And I will give God ALL the praise for running the race with me and pushing me to the finish line.

Questions...

Does the Bible say anything about fertility treatments or medical assistance?

This is such an important question for us to consider, as many of us have been told that without medical intervention, our chances to have a biological child are slim. What does Scripture say?

The Word of God is so very relevant to our lives today. Even though there is nothing in the Bible that says “Lo, a woman named Beth was infertile, and God said to do IVF”, nor does it say “Thou shalt not use artificial reproductive technology,” we can still turn to it for the answers we seek. What can we learn about God’s view of medical intervention in general? Consider who Jesus called to be His confidants. One of the divinely appointed disciples that Jesus chose to be a member of His inner circle was Luke, a physician. There is no reference of Jesus telling Luke to abandon his interest in medicine, or condemning him for helping sick people with his medical training. In 1 Timothy 5:23, the apostle Paul tells Timothy to take wine for medicinal purposes for his various illnesses. These Scriptures give us a general idea of how God looks at medical intervention. Never forget, however, that Jesus Christ took literal stripes on His back for your healing. All healing comes from Him, whether facilitated through medicine, surgery, medical treatment or instantaneous, miraculous healing.

There is another nugget hidden in Scripture that may be of interest to you as part of a couple struggling with infertility. In Genesis 30, there is a reference to mandrakes, a common fruit which was believed to increase a person’s fertility. The Old Testament equivalent to clomid! This passage tells the story of Jacob and Rachel’s infertility. The mention of mandrakes is not followed by any condemnation, and eventually Rachel is blessed with children. Mandrakes are also mentioned in the Song of Solomon (7:13).

I believe the bottom line is this: God is the Giver of Life. He chooses when and how to grant life, whether He grants this miracle through medical intervention, a spontaneous and miraculous conception, or not at all. You and your spouse must decide how God is leading you, and walk in His will. This writing is done as a starting point for you to study God’s Word for yourself and find answers there. What may be God’s perfect will for one person, may not be for another. Search the Word for what God is saying to you. Remember that He writes the same way He speaks! When you seek Him in prayer, don’t forget to listen for His answers.

Taken from Sarah's Laughter Daily Double Portions

What if another child is not God's plan for us?

This is a question that I have begun to ask myself. It is hard to discuss or even really consider. It is possible to feel complete with just one child? How will I cope if this is God's plan?

I find encouragement in the truth that nothing will ever happen to me that has not been filtered through God's hands. Even though infertility has shocked me completely, I realize that God has known this would be part of my life story since before time began. Psalm 139:16 says “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” He knows every struggle I face today, tomorrow, and the rest of my life. This is good news.. Why? Because he knows just how to lead me through each and every trial. If His plan is for us to be a family of three, He knows how to carry me through the moment this possibility becomes a reality. He has a plan to bring me through every situation. His wisdom is infinite. His love is unending. His mercies are new every morning.

Here is a wonderful promise that God wrote that I find comfort in. John 10:10 says, “I’ve come that you might have life, and have it more abundantly.” God wants me to have an abundant life! When He spoke the stars into existence and formed the world, He did it with just a word from His lips. He so strongly wants me to have an abundant life that He came to ensure it! It is also important to notice what is missing in this Scripture. This Scripture does not say “I’ve come that you might have life and have it more abundantly as long as you have 2 or more children.” The fact that Jesus came for us is enough for us to have an abundant life in Him, whether more children are a part of God’s plan for us or not.

If God's plan for me does not include more children, He knows how to sustain me. He offers me an abundant life through Him anyway. He loves me enough to provide an amazing, fulfilling life for me, even if my family is a perfect family of 3.

Decisions

We are going to wait and see what Dr. Ke says, but I am pretty sure we will go the IVF route eventually. More successful... but also more expensive.

Since we do not have $12,000 laying around that we can actually use on IVF right now, we have a longterm goal/plan.

We are hoping to save, save, save and get Robbie's truck paid off asap! Then we will not have that note, so we can save more! We are hoping to finance IVF with a 6-month no interest loan. So, before we get started with the IVF and take out the loan we want to have enough saved to where we will pay it all off within those 6 months before interest kicks in. Lord willing maybe next fall or winter we will be able to start this process. It is a long-shot, but we are going to strive to make it work! We shall see! And who knows... God is sooo good that we might even miraculously get pregnant again within the next year without any help... Prayer works!

BIG Shock...

So, I started my cycle today... 3-4 days early. I was not due to start my cycle again until Wednesday or Thursday of this week according to when I last ovulated. I really don't know what to think at this point.

It is so hard to write this because I am dealing with an overabundance of emotions right now. Crying is about the only thing I am good at! But I can produce tears! Even if I can't produce good eggs. This was that month.. the one that was most important to me. I know God has His own plan, but right now I just want to wad up his paper and throw it away and write my own plan. It is so hard to give everything up completely. I just knew I would be pregnant this month. God has given me what I think it enough to suffer through. We have no money left to really try again. It is just overwhelming. I keep thinking, I have Ryder at least. But that is so hard to accept, because I want another baby. I want Ryder to have a sibling. I am not done having children. I don't want to be forced to be done. It would be one thing to make up my own mind that this is something I am going to do.. just have one child. One boy... to just have Ryder. But no, I have to be forced into making that decision. I know, I know, everything happens for a reason. But it is just sooooo hard to not know that reason. Why can everything good happen to everyone else? Why do I have to suffer through so much yet so many people around me are enjoying life? Why can I not have another baby? Why can I not get pregnant the first month when everyone around me seems to? Why does it have to cost us thousands of dollars out of our pocket and still the end result is no baby/pregnancy? I have so many questions... questions that I have prayed about regarding having another baby for 16 months now. Why can't God come down here and let me know that answer? Why can't be just send a big sign to let me know what His plan is? I am tired of thinking about it, tired of this whole subject consuming my mind, tired of feeling like I am going unnoticed and my prayers being at a halt. Obviously God is saying wait or maybe even no. I wish I knew for sure. I had my faith and hopes so high this month. So positive... and then again I am just left out there... Lonely. Wondering what my purpose in life is. Evidently it is not to reproduce! (Gotta have a little humor...) If I am just going to have one child I am fine with that, but I want to know for sure! I don't want to live life for years wondering.... on pins and needles thinking well, maybe I could be pregnant or maybe not (kinda like I was this month). I wish there was some way that we had the money to be able to keep trying and to keep our options going. I just feel like we are being forced to quit. I don't want to quit trying.. I want to move on and do more treatment. I feel as though I cannot get pregnant unless I put forth effort and try to make it happen. But then again is God telling me that I am putting too much faith in the medicine and not in Him? Should I quit everything all together and just wonder if I will ever miraculously get pregnant on my own? I mean, being labeled as "Infertile" means that I cannot conceive a child without medical intervention which I am willing to use! Even though it does not seem to be on my side right now... Being infertile causes way too much stress, unanswered questions, heartache, and things I just can't endure anymore... I feel like I have been given tons of burdens and I just do not know how much more I can take... I am kinda at my breaking point... Please keep myself and Robbie in your prayers as we will be forced to make difficult decisions about what to do next and our financial ability to do anything further... Thanks so much~

Limousines

I am a nosey person. I must confess! I am an extremely curious person. Watching people at the mall, listening to the conversation at the table next to me during dinner, reading comments on people's Facebook pages... well, you get the picture!

Being the nosey creature that I am, it drives me crazy when I get just a glimpse of something, but I cannot see the entire story. Case in point: limousines with dark windows! They drive me nuts! I know there has to be someone important inside--I just can’t see them. Is it a famous actor or actress! If I could only get a glimpse of that face! If they’d just roll the window down, I could see inside! I speed up or slow down to try to get a peek, but no matter how hard I strain to see what this glamourous vehicle carries, I cannot see through the darkened glass.

We had a limousine drive through our neighborhood this past Saturday night, and of course, I did not know who was in it! Until later... It ended up just being some of our neighbors down the street!

But this scenerio is like infertility.

For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
1 Corinthians 13:12

It would be so much easier to live under the weight of infertility if we knew why. Why does God allow my heart to be ripped apart every time I see someone else with a bulging belly or spit-up stains on their shoulder? Why do so many of my friends have baby showers while I have appointments with fertility specialists? Why can’t I see His hand in my life? Why can’t I see His plan?

It’s because life has darkened windows just like a limousine!

For now we see through a glass, darkly. For now, we cannot see the plan God has so lovingly designed for us. It’s easy to assume that the vehicle of our lives is empty--there could be no great treasure inside! Now we know in part. We know that at least for a time we cannot conceive. Now we know it’s hard. Now we know we beg and plead for a baby but God’s silent answer of “no” resounds through our ears like a thousand trumpets.

God knows it’s hard to see only a part of His plan. He knows it’s tough to only be able to eavesdrop on heavenly conversations and not be able to hear God’s every word about your life. But hang on! We know in part, but one day we will know fully.

If we knew every aspect of God’s plan, where would faith come in? What need would there be to trust God? If we knew fully now, there would be no need to peer into the Scriptures, to strain to hear the voice of God. There would be no reason to strive to seek His face.

One day, you’ll know fully. Until then, keep eavesdropping on Heaven’s conversations. Peer into the darkened windows. Seek His face.

And every time you see the darkened windows of a limousine, know that one day, the window will roll down. You’ll finally see the treasure God placed inside of your life through the vehicle of infertility!

Worry

I am a worrier and worry can be a heavy burden to carry on your journey through infertility. This is a Sarah's Laughter e-mail I received about a week ago.

As infertile couples, there are many issues that we face that other people don’t even consider. For example, the dreaded baby shower! Other people get an invitation to a baby shower and the only complaint they have is that they don’t have time to run to the store to pick up a gift! The woman who struggles with infertility knows what’s inside the envelope as soon as she sees it in the mailbox. It weighs at least 1,000 pounds as she carries it inside! She has to sit down and cry for a few minutes before she garners enough strength to open it up and read it. What makes it worse is that the shower is for her best friend! She forces herself to read the “happy” news, and writes the date and time down on her calendar, right next to the reminder that she has another appointment for blood work on the same day. As she wipes her eyes and blows her nose, she wonders how she’ll make it through another baby shower. Oh, she’ll go! It’ll kill her, but she’ll go! Why? She worries what people would think if she didn’t go to her best friend's baby shower. She worries that her best friend would get her feelings hurt if she didn't go. She just worries.

She worries about her future too. She worries about where the money will come from for her next round of treatment. She worries that the medicine won’t work as well this time. She worries that the strain is going to be too much on her marriage. She worries that if she is never able to conceive. She worries that they will never have children (or more children in my personal case). She just worries.

Do you realize that the very same God who said to you “Do not kill,” and “Do not steal,” also says to you “Do not worry”? He says not to worry because not only does worry weigh you down and make you fearful, worry does nothing to help the situation! And which of you by worrying can add a sing hour to his life’s span? How beautiful it is for God to tell you not to worry! He can do this because He is the One who can make right all the wrongs in your life! He has all power and authority in Heaven and in earth and He tells you not to worry! He even holds authority over infertility, and He tells you not to worry!

In Luke 12, some men approached Jesus and were asking Him to settle a dispute among family members regarding an inheritance. They were worried about their financial future! Along with teaching them that their worth didn't lie in the possessions they owned, Jesus assured them that for a child under His keeping, worry had no place.

Wouldn’t you have loved to have been there? I’ll bet a raven flew overhead and Jesus must have pointed skyward and said “Look at those ravens, fellas. They’re not worried about what they’ll eat today! God feeds them. Don’t you know you’re worth so much more!” Maybe there were lilies growing wild in the fields where He was teaching that day when He said to His listeners “Hey guys! You’ve heard about Solomon. Even his finest robes couldn’t compare to these lilies. Wanna know why? Because God clothes them. He’ll take care of you too.”

He says the same to you today. “Don’t worry, daughter. I know the desires of your heart. You feel all alone in this struggle, but I’m right there with you. I’ll take care of you through it all.” You simply don’t have to worry. Whatever God’s plan is for you, He tells you not to worry because He is fully capable of taking care of you throughout the entirety of His plan. From start to finish, you are under His care, so you can find rest.


Does that mean every thing will be easy sailing? Not necessarily. But we know that God has known every day of your life from beginning to end (Psalm 139:16), and He is fully capable of seeing you through good days and bad, happy times and sad. No matter what you face, whether it is pregnancy, miscarriage, adoption, joy, sorrow, or any combination thereof, God is able to see you through. And because He is able to see you through, He says to you, don’t worry.

Trusting His Plan

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Do you ever ask God for something over and over again and still do not receive an answer? Months and months have passed since Robbie and I have been trying for a second child and it gets so hard not knowing God's plan. Sometimes I just want him to come down here for 60 seconds and talk to me.. face to face. Dealing with unanswered questions really makes me question my faith. I think about my question that I have been asking lately to God in my prayer time: Will I have another child? There are 2 answers to that question: yes or no. I would be fine with either if I just knew! It is so hard just living life on pins and needles just wondering what your life has to hold. Even if God just told me to wait... I would be more fine with that answer knowing that one day I would be able to have another child than just not knowing! Silence is so hard sometimes. Why doesn't God answer me? He has chosen to remain silent in our situation for the time being... maybe He is just saying "wait."

I wonder if God had revealed to me what His calling for my life had really been what would I have done differently? God's plan is perfect. It would definitely be easier if He would just reveal to me whether or not I would have a child. If I knew His plan ahead of time, there would simply be no room for trust. We're called upon to place our faith in an unseen God who reveals His plan to us step by step. He promises to make His plan known to us and we need to know. My job is to acknowledge Him. To trust Him. To cry out to Him and to let Him guide me. I am not called upon to understand what He is doing or to grasp the whole picture of the work He is doing in my life. I jsut need to trust Him. He truely does know what is best.

Ready, Set....

GO! So, my one and only precious follicle is measuring at 24mm! WONDERFUL and so much bigger than the follicles I produced on Femara alone. My estradiol level jumped WAY up to 252! Woo hoo! So, I got to give myself my *hopefully* last shot ever (or at least for a while anyways)! This was the trigger shot called Ovidrel. Instructions by the doctor: Baby Dance the next 3 nights! I might make it 4 just to be on the safe side! Ha ha! Gotta have a little humor. Well, I am currently starting the 2 week wait. I will update when I know something!

Just One...

So, I went in for my ultrasound and blood work this morning at 8:15. My estradiol level was at 78, which is still low. I am only maturing one follicle, so I will only trigger 1 follicle. I have one at 17mm and the rest are at 10mm or below. Hopefully one is all I will need this month to conceive. I have to do 75 units of Follistim tonight and tomorrow night. I have another ultrasound and blood work Tuesday morning at 7:30. I will update when I know more!

Instructions

So, I went in bright and early this morning for blood work and and ultrasound to check the progression of my follicles. I have 1 measuring 12mm, 3-4 measuring 10mm, and 5+ measuring less than 10. So looks like at best I will have 3-4 mature follicles at the time that I trigger. My estradiol level was 42... pretty low. So I am taking 75 units of Follistim the next three nights. Then ultrasound and blood work again on Sunday. Hopefully these bubbles will start to GROW! Big and Strong! =) So I guess in the meantime more picking and poking at myself. Not really what I was expecting, but it is completely fine. I had to order more Follistim, because I only have enough in the refrigerator for 1 more night. There goes another $248! Completely worth it though if the end result is God's plan. Just trying to keep positive!

Can't

This is a perfect post that came to my mind today considering the "can't" that went through my head earlier on in the day.

With struggling with infertility there are so many "can'ts" involved. I can't make plans tonight because it is the Baby Dance Day. I can't go to another baby shower. I can't hear about another person that has gotten pregnant. I can't fingure out how we are going to pay for all this treatment. I can't handle the anxiety anymore. All because I can't conceive!

Today it was "I can't give MYSELF a shot!"

So, as I have been pondering this idea over the past 24 hours of self-injecting my stomach I thought about some of the basic Bible stories in both the New and Old Testament. Jonah and the Whale. David and Goliath. Daniel and the Lion's Den. These are all stories of "can'ts" that were turned into "cans" just wth the power of God's hand.

These people in the Bible were just men and women like me and Robbie. Ordinary people who put their trust and faith in an extraordinary God!

Think about Daniel when he was thrown in the lions’ den. A man “can’t” survive a night with the lions, can he? With God, he can!

What about Jonah? Jonah (or anyone for that matter) “can’t” live inside a huge fish for three days, only to be vomited up at the right place at the right time, can he? With God, he can!

There is little harp player David. How in the world could this little child defeat such a mighty giant? He "can't" unless he has God!

And of course, there’s Sarah! A 90 year old woman cannot conceive and give birth to a healthy child! That’s ludicrous, isn’t it! Of course it is. A woman beyond childbearing age “can’t” give birth to a baby, can she? With God, she can!

The list goes on and on!

The waters of the Red Sea “can’t” part and stand up like walls of stone, can it? With God, it can!

A virgin “can’t” conceive. Water “can’t” be turned to wine. A crowd of 5,000 “can’t” be fed with a child’s lunch. With God, they can!

I have heard myself say many times that I "can't" take it anymore. I "can't" have a child. I "can't" take on another burden or trial. Thinking about these scriptures, I have seen God turn all of those "can'ts" into "cans!" The same God who closed the mouths of the lions, fed thousands of people with nothing more than scraps, breathed life into ancient wombs and even placed His Son in a virgin womb, is the same God who has heard my prayers. He’s the same God who knows how badly I want another baby. God is the only one who can turn all my “can’ts” into “cans”!

I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

Injection Teaching

I had my lesson today in injection teaching! Of course, I went in there with 100 trillion questions and the nurse was probably really ready to slap me! But overall it went very well! I GAVE MYSELF A SHOT! I can't believe it and I am so proud of myself! Now... I just have several more to do over the next few weeks... and by myself. No nurse there to guide me through it. Now I am going to be that little engine that could.... I think I can, I think I can. EXCEPT! I KNOW I can ... because I did it today! Yay! Just had to share my excitement! Gotta have sometime positive to think about to keep my spirits up!

Be Still

Be still and know that I am God.
Psalm 46:10

This is a verse that I visualize everyday. I have this verse on my wall in my dining room.

There have been numerous decisions that my husband and I have had to face with trying to have a baby. Should we seek medical treatment? Should we tell people our struggles or keep it private? Should we take a break this month or try just one more time? Many, many decisions. Some decisions must be made quickly... I am talking minutes to hours... others take time and contemplation. It can get to a point where our life is filled with so many questions and we are constantly in need of answers or in better terms... guidance. Today, I have felt God's hand on our struggle. He has said to "Be Still." These simple words mean so much. I have such a peace and assurance that our decision for this month is the right one.

I am giving God all of my worries. Infertility has caused such chaos in my heart and my life. All I think about is conceiving and being pregnant. It totally consumes my life sometimes. And I have been given great assurance to just "Be Still" and wait. I have hope that this month is our month. I will never loose hope. I pray daily to still be able to get pregnant. But I have a calming peace about me today that if it does not happen this month, it will be okay. It will be okay to just have one child. It will be okay to just have a boy. Everything will be okay. Although I am still working on my anxious heart, I know that if we do not get pregnant this month and decide to take a break from "trying" it will be hard to make that final step in saying that I am finished and my life is complete... Robbie, Karlye, and Ryder. I would love to add on to that list of names. But I have to be content and know that God is in control and He knows the future. He knows what is best for our family. If that means no more children, I will learn to be the best mother I can be to Ryder. I am just so thankful I do get to experience motherhood with Ryder. Having one child has been a tremendous blessing. I feel at peace and I have a stillness about me knowing that I have made the right choices along this thorny path.

I am going to be still and know that God is God and rest in the knowledge that He loves me and has a magnificent plan for my family. Even if life doesn’t pan out the way I dreamed it would, I know that God is still my Stronghold and He will give me strength to get me through.

Cost

This post is just list of the costs we have had to pay for everything. Some of these costs have been paid multiple times.. This is just the average cost per cycle on everything broken down.

Office visit co-pay - $25
Femara (Letrozole) 5.0 mg for 5 days - $122.08
Ovidrel trigger shot (one dose) - $44.25
Ultrasound - $250
Add'l ultrasounds in the same cycle - $133
Blood work to test estradiol level - $70
IUI - $448
300 units of Follistim (lasts 4 days with the 75iu dose) - $248

Every cycle it only gets more and more expensive due to higher medication doses...

Update

These are the tentative plans for this cycle:
Day 3-7 Femara (Letrozole) 5.0mg
Day 5, 7, 9 Follistim injections 75iu
Day 10 Ultrasound to check follicles and blood work to check estradiol level
Baby Dance on Days 10-20! I know... a lot but I want the best chances...

No IUI this month.

After this ultrasound I will know if I need more Follistim and when they will trigger for ovulation with the Ovidrel.

Tomorrow I go in for self-injection training... wish me luck! I am a little nervous!

I am very positive and at ease about this cycle. I think this is the best decision that Robbie and I have made to go forward with this treatment. However, if it does not happen this month, we will definitely be taking September off due to a family vacation Florida. I go back for a followup with Dr. Ke on Sept 21.

Starting Month 16....

of TTC Baby #2.... You have guessed right.. The IUI did not work and I am not pregnant this month. I started my cycle today. I will start Femara again but paired with Follistim injections with month. No IUI though. We will be trying to old fashioned way! I feel VERY good about it and at peace about it. I am hoping and praying and staying positive that it will work. More details will come tomorrow when I find out the specifics from the nurse on this protocol.

Day 22 Progesterone Level...

... was ovulatory!!! YAY! It was 13.06. Two months in a row ovulating is an all time record for me! Now just the 2 week wait.. praying and hoping for a positive pregnancy test.

IUI Tomorrow!

I went for my ultrasound this morning at 8am and I had one mature follicle on my left ovary that was 19mm and 3 follicles that were not quite mature enough on my right ovary measuring 8-12mm. I hope this one follicle is good enough! The lady gave me the hCG trigger shot.

Robbie is scheduled to go in at 8:30 tomorrow and I am scheduled to go in an hour later. Pray for us! I hope this works!

Baby Fix

I was holding a precious 5 month old little girl today at church. A lady came up to me and asked (out of the blue might I add), "Are you getting your baby fix?" I turned to her and immediately out of my mouth came... "No!" Now, don't get me wrong, I love holding little babies... But this baby didn't "fix" the fact that I don't have my own. I politely told the lady, "I really would like my own baby." She of course turned around and walked away. I keep telling myself to not get offended, but it is hard to just let comments like this one in particular to go in one ear and out the other. This lady has no idea that my husband and I are urning to add another precious little baby to our family. It just hurts...

The Thorny Path of Infertility

Imagine with me that infertility is really a journey. You stand at the beginning of a path and when you walk to the end of the path, your issues will be resolved. What does this path look like? What will it take to get to the end?

There are many twists and turns. You cannot see if you are at the beginning or nearing the end. You just know you cannot get off this path. You must follow it until it ends.

Look down by your feet. What do you see? You see thorns all around you. Thorns on the right side of the path, thorns on the left side. You see them all alongside the path behind you, and all alongside the path in front of you. If you step on one, the injury would cause great pain and make it harder for you to continue on your journey.

But look! There’s a shortcut! That path has flowers instead of thorns! The only problem is that you must walk through the thorns to reach that path. Oh, the pain those thorns would cause. Is it worth it?

There are so many questions, so many “what if’s” along the path to potential parenthood. Each one is like a thorn in the way.

What if I go the wrong way? What if I get lost? What if I can’t find my way out of the woods?
What if I choose the wrong treatment? What if our savings is lost? What if I can’t find my way back to God after the way I’ve spoken to or about Him? What if we have to consent to IVF and it fails? What if my marriage fails? What if there is another diagnosis? What if my husband says ‘no more’? What if I conceive and lose a child? What if we make the wrong choice as to whether to go to a different doctor or not? What if…? What if…? What if?

The burden of making so many life-changing decisions in the midst of such stress can be so overwhelming! You gather as much information as you possibly can, yet you still cannot understand the medical jargon or even the financial statements. The pressure is mounting!

You desperately need a guide down this path. Sometimes it is easy to see which way to turn. Other times the thorns are hidden among the foliage and they catch you by surprise. Who can help you navigate this unknown territory?

Let’s go to the third chapter of Proverbs.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Don’t understand exactly what you’re supposed to do? Here’s the good news. You don’t have to! In fact, God tells you not to! Don’t trust in your own understanding. Remember that there are times when your understanding of a situation is not accurate!

Trust God! Trust Him with all your heart! Trust Him with your future, with your body, with your family. He’ll direct you down this path of infertility.

(Taken from Sarah's Laughter)

I'll Praise You In The Storm

Below are the lyrics of an amazing song entitled "I'll Praise You in the Storm" by Casting Crowns. This song is a perfect reflection of how I feel being caught in the middle of an infertility storm.

I was sure by now that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day, but once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining … As the thunder rolls, I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, “I’m with you.” And as You mercy falls, I raise my hands and praise the God who gives, and takes away --

I'll praise You in this storm, and I will lift my hands, for You are who You are, no matter where I am. Every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand, you never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm.

I remember when I stumbled in the wind. You heard my cry. You raised me up again. My strength is almost gone, how can I carry on, if I can't find You? As the thunder rolls, I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I’m with you." And as Your mercy falls, I raise my hands and praise the God who gives, and takes away.

I lift my eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and Earth.

Dr. Ke, M.D.

Here is a biography of my doctor.

Dr. Ke is Board Certified in Reproductive Endocrinology and Director of In Vitro Fertilization Services at Fertility Associates of Memphis and Director of Andrology at Memphis Fertility Laboratory, Inc. He is also Associate Professor in Obstetrics and Gynecology at The University of Tennessee, Memphis. Dr. Ke is a native of Canada, where he completed his medical training at McGill University and a residency in Obstetrics and Gynecology at the University of Manitoba. His sub-specialty Fellowship in Reproductive Endocrinology was completed at The University of Tennessee, Memphis, in 1992. Since that time, he has maintained an active practice in medical and surgical infertility, assisted reproduction, polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), menopausal medicine, and reproductive endocrine disorders of all age groups. Dr. Ke is board certified in both Obstetrics and Gynecology and Reproductive Endocrinology. In addition, he is certified by the State of Tennessee and the American Board of Bioanalysts as a High Complexity Laboratory Director. The author of over 40 publications and 70 invited lectures, Dr. Ke was an investigator in the Women's Health Initiative (WHI), a federally funded multi-center scientific study that was the largest on women's health ever to be undertaken. Dr. Ke has been named one of Memphis’ Best Doctors each year since 1999 and a Best Doctor in America annually since 2004.

Ups and Downs

The ups: I STARTED A CYCLE ON MY OWN TODAY! Woo Hoo!

The downs: I obviously am not pregnant.

I am going to do the Femara again 5.0 mg Day 3-7. I will get an ultrasound on July 19 to check for follicles. If I have one, I will get the trigger shot just like before. This cycle, since I ovulated with this protocol last time, we have decided to try an IUI. Lord willing I will ovulate like before or better. The IUI will more than likely be on Tuesday the 21st. Please keep us in your prayers that this protocol will work. The next step is injectable medication which is really expensive. That is one reason we decided to try just the Femara one last time.

Jesus in Me

People everyday all around me are watching me... It is kinda like I am under surveillance. Not the FBI type of surveillance, but more so watching "me" and how I act, trying to figure out who I am. It is strange, but honestly I watch people. I think to myself often if a lady with a newborn baby had been trying to years to receive her precious gift or if she got pregnant "the first month" of trying. Maybe she wasn't trying at all. I watch people. I try to figure out what is going on in their lives. I watch parenting styles. Just everything pretty much.

Infertility is a struggle unlike no other. It affects every aspect of your life--your finances, your sex life, your marriage, your relationship with friends and family, your relationship with Jesus. There is no part of your life it does not touch. People around me are watching me to see how I deal with this crisis in my life. Honestly, a lot of people do not know that my husband and I are dealing with infertility. But my question is this: If they do know (or if they did know) that we are dealing with inferility, would they see Jesus in me? Will they see that I rely on God? Will they see my faith through the storms of infertility? Or will they see me shed gallong of tears? Will they see that I sometimes plead with God to make the hurt go away?

I have learned that people can see Jesus in me even when I have tears and emotions. I am not failing God or showing lack of faith if I hurt. God placed "baby hunger" in my life. Jesus had faith! Great, great faith, but he also showed feelings.

Recently, I have just really started speaking out about my infertility. And, you know, it really surprises people to hear that we have problems conceiving. But I have learned that it is okay to open up to people. God has used this trial in my life to make me who I am today. Inferility is my testimony.

I only know a handfull of people who have personally struggled with infertility. I like to think that I have touched their lives on how I choose to deal with my struggles by maintaining my faith. I definitely have moments of fear, times of frustration, and days when I simply refuse to be around pregnant people, but I believe that if I just hold on to that faith, even if I cannot see God's perfect design for my life, God can--and will--use me and my struggles with infertility to reach others to Heaven. This is just one reason why I consider infertility a blessing.

Day 23 Progesterone Level

I went in yesterday for a Day 23 Progesterone Level (Day 21 was over the weekend). I got the results today and... Drum Roll please..... I OVULATED!!! WOOO HOOO! My level was 13.6! Of course I am hoping for a positive pregnancy test, but if that does not happen this month, then I have to wait til day 40 and if I still have not started and do not have a positive test, I start Provera.. and on to bigger and better things... injectable! Ahh! I just hope it does not go to that point.. but if it does, I will be okay with it! I have jumped through leaps and bounds and it is such an accomplishment for me to have even ovulated!

Anger

Do things hurt less because we love and trust God? No. I think it hurts more because we somehow believe that God is supposed to protect us from all things which are bad. Yet, bad things do happen. Or, we think that because we’re Christians, we should be immune from experiencing pain, discouragement, or even anger. How we respond to these emotions is key.

I’d love to tell you that I’ve got it all together and I never struggle in my walk anymore, but that simply is not true. I still get angry. But I have learned to take it to God. He knows what’s in my heart, so I might as well tell Him how I feel. Because only then, can He heal me, comfort me, and give me a “peace that passes understanding” while I’m still hurting.

The Bible states, “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” (Psalm 30:5) What it doesn’t say is that those nights can be really, really, long! But morning will come. Joy will come.

(Taken from Sarah's Laughter)

Wisdom

I mentioned in my post from yesterday that Robbie and I really would appreciate prayers of wisdom. God speaks to me sometimes in the most incredible ways... Thinking about wisdom, I opened my Inbox to my e-mail and found this devotion that I will share with you all. I receive "Daily Double Portions" from an online support group called Sarah's Laughter. It is a support group for inferility and infant loss. A friend of mine shared this website/group with me back in the early winter and I have really enjoyed checking my e-mail daily and finding a devotion that can relate to what is happening in my life. This is a devotion about wisdom.

But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.
But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind.
James 1:5-6

When we come face to face with infertility, there are mountains of decisions that must be made. Questions bombard us with unyielding tenacity, and each demands an answer! Do we seek treatment? If so, how do we pay for it? How far will we go? Is this God’s will for our lives? How long do we keep trying to conceive? Is this God’s way of telling us to stop? How do I know if it really was God speaking to me? Each decision must be weighed carefully, for the outcome could have eternal ramifications. How do we know how to make the right decision?

Who is more wise than God? Who understands our past, our present and our future better than the author of eternity? We seek answers from doctors, from support groups, from family members and friends, and that is all well and good. God doesn’t expect us to travel through the quagmires of life without relying on each other. But when we face the difficult decisions of infertility, we can’t forget to cry out to God for His wisdom in knowing what to do.

Scripture tells us that if we ask God for wisdom-in full faith-He will grant us His wisdom. And not just a smidgen! No! He gives His wisdom generously! He wants us to make the right decisions about having a baby. He wants to lead us and guide us in His will. He says He will give us His wisdom about whether or not to seek medical help or where the money will come from.

He also grants this wisdom “without reproach”. In Biblical times, if you asked someone for a loan or asked to borrow something they owned, it was very common for the lender to belittle the borrower. Can you imagine if you asked your friend for a dollar and you got this response:

“I’ll loan you this dollar, you lazy, good-for-nothing moron! It’s amazing that you’re not smart enough to get a job good enough to provide for your family so you have to come to me! What a loser!”

I’ll bet you wouldn’t ask her for anything else any time soon! How wonderful it is that God doesn’t do us this way when we ask for His wisdom! He doesn’t answer our request with “You sorry, worthless servant! I knew you’d never figure this out on your own! I guess I’ll have to bail you out again! When will you ever learn?” No! God grants us His wisdom generously and without reproach. I believe it thrills the heart of God when we approach Him and lean on His wisdom for small decisions as well as the life changing ones.

The only requirement God lays on us is that we must ask for His wisdom in full faith. We must believe that He is who He says He is, and that He will do what He says He will do. We must not waver in our belief of Him. Have you ever seen a beach ball that gets caught in the waves on the beach? It gets slung around with every wave and every wind. God says that when we doubt, we’re just like that beach ball. We must believe when we ask God for wisdom. Our faith must stay strong even when He chooses to move in ways we cannot understand. When we approach God with unwavering faith, He promises His wisdom in our lives.

Appointment

I am a little discouraged today. I went for my regular visit/checkup. He had reviewed my ultrasound from Saturday. Dr. Ke was not very pleased with only 1 follicle with being on the medication and the Metformin and loosing weight... But we will see. Maybe the HCG trigger shot released an egg and maybe I will still have a chance of conceiving. He was not pleased with the size of the follicle either. I am going Monday, June 29th for the progesterone blood work to check to see if I ovulated instead of Friday. He wants my levels to be over 10. If I did not ovulate, then I will take Provera to induce my cycle again and then start injectables with the Femara. He adds them to the Femara first because they are so strong and such a risk of multiples. He is also wanting me to highly consider IUI (artificial insemination). With the cost of the injections for the first round with the dose I need being anywhere from $900 to $1200 (Yes! EKK!) then it would be smart to just add $200 more for the IUI and have a greater chance of conceiving. So that is something we have to think about and pray about and possibly make a decision within the next week or so. I just hope and pray God will work a miracle and allow that one follicle to release an egg and allow us to be pregnant. Please keep Robbie and myself in your prayers. We need prayers for wisdom and guidance that we will make the best decision for our family. I am kind of scared about the injections just because of such a high risk of multiples. It is common in people with PCOS to have nothing happen for months and then, even with the medication being slowly increased, hyperstimulating the ovaries. If I produce multiple follicles.. well, you guessed right.. multiple babies! Multiples are not the desired outcome of fertility treatments... but every child is a blessing and Robbie and I vow to make the best out of our situation. I will update next Tuesday when I know the results of my progesterone and if I will be moving on to Protocol #5 (I am on 4 right now).

Follicle Ultrasound

I went in this morning to had a transvaginal ultrasound to check to see if I had any follicles. I had one big perfect follicle in my left ovary! It measured around 20mm. The nurse gave me the Ovidrel trigger shot... we shall see if it works! I go Monday for my regular doctor checkup and then Friday for bloodwork to check my progesterone level to see if an egg actually released.

A Broken Clock

Be still, and know that I am God
Psalm 46:10

There is a broken clock in my guest bathroom. When I purchased the clock back before I got married for my "black and white" bathroom, it worked. One day while living in the apartment it just stopped working. It doesn't need new batteries... it is just a dud I think! But I still love the clock and chose to continue to use it as decoration on my wall in the guest bathroom. I was in the guest bathroom last night giving Ryder his bath and I just happened to look up at the clock. I wasn't looking for the time, because I know it doesn't work! I don't really know why I looked at the clock... but right then I realized that it symbolized something in my life. You see, that broken clock is a reminder of the perfection of God’s timing. At first glance, it appears that the broken clock is worthless. The hands never move. It looks like nothing good is happening.

In the dark days of waiting through my struggle with infertility, it feels like God’s plan for my family has gone to a halt. Even though the clock is not ticking away the time, time is still going on. God is still working and moving. When it seems like nothing is happening and I feel like my life is standing still like the clock, God’s plan is still unfolding.

I would like to encourage you all to buy a clock and hang it on the wall with no batteries. It will remind you of God's perfect timing.

Now, I think I might just go set that clock in the bathroom at Ryder's birth time... Just to remind me that miracles happen...

Adding...

I am currently on CD9. My temperatures look pretty good.. This is something I decided to do today for this cycle: Saturday CD14 I am going in for an ultrasound at 8am to check to see if I have follicles. If I do, I am going to do the Ovidrel trigger shot to hopefully trigger ovulation. I will update Saturday when I know about the follicles! I feel really good about the decision to go this route this cycle.

Update on this cycle

I started my cycle with using the Provera on Sunday, June 7th. I started the Femara/Letrozole yesterday. I take it CD 3-7 and it is 5.0mg. It has made me have severe headaches... Combination of a cold/sinus and the medicine I think. I go back to the doctor for a check-up on June 22. Then I get my blood work done on CD 20 which is Friday, June 26 to check for ovulation. I will update as soon as I know more!

Choices

As I stand face to face with the issue of infertility, many choices are ripped away from me. The choice of when to have children, the choice of how many children to have, the choice of keeping my problem private. Other choices are difficult to make. Do we consult a doctor? How far do we go with treatment? What do we give up to pay for medical treatment? However, there is a crucial area where I do have the ultimate choice. Will I choose joy or will I allow infertility to dictate my mindset and the attitude of my heart? Christ came that we may have life and have it more abundantly. We’re told to rejoice (Phil. 4:4). If I feel weak, the joy of the Lord is my strength. Through my weakness, Christ has the ability to become my strength.

Does this mean that I should never cry or feel down? Absolutely not. Our Savior was a man full of emotions and the Bible even says He was acquainted with grief and bore our sorrows (Isaiah 53:4). It does mean that I can choose to let Christ carry those sorrows and choose the joy that runs deeper than simple situational happiness. I can choose to accept the offer of abundant life provided by Jesus Christ Himself, or choose a life of hopelessness, jealousy, and discouragement.

Easy? Not always. But the choice is mine.



Taken from Baby Hunger: Biblical Encouragement for Those Struggling with Infertility by Beth Forbus.

Is Anything Too Difficult?

“Is anything too difficult for the Lord?”
Genesis 18:14


“For nothing will be impossible with God!”
Luke 1:37


Go back with me to Sarah’s tent as the angel of the Lord told her that at the tender young age of 90 that she would finally bear the child she had craved her entire life. What was that blessed question to the dazed octogenarian? “Is anything too hard for the Lord?” (Genesis 18:14) I know Sarah laughed in disbelief, but I can’t help but think that the angel had to at least snicker when he saw the dazed expression on her face!

Now jump ahead to the central event of mankind—the birth of Christ. Look with me as a scared young girl stares an angel in the face as he tells her she is carrying the Lamb of God in her virgin womb. What was his message to this confused young girl? “For nothing is impossible with God!” (Matthew1:37) See any similarities? Both of these statements were uttered to reassure the mothers of children who otherwise could not have been born! It took a miracle to breathe life into the womb of a 90 year old woman and even more miracle working power to bring the Son of God into the human body of a virgin teen! I absolutely love these Scriptures that bold scream out through time and eternity that nothing is too difficult for God! Even more, both statements were uttered in response to the conception of children!

Let me tattoo this on your heart right now—Nothing is too hard for God! Nothing! Hallelujah! Endometriosis? It’s nothing to the Great Physician! Unexplained infertility? Not to an all knowing God! Miscarriages? Stillbirths? God understands—remember He knows the sting of losing a Child. His child died too. Adoption? He is the original adoptive parent!

Nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing is too difficult for God and He’s fighting this battle right along with you! Disease? He can heal. Financially strapped? He can provide. Confused? He can lead you to the right doctors or support groups. Tired? He can give you rest. Barren? He can open your womb. We serve such a wonderful God. I’m so glad He loves me and cares about my hurt.

“For nothing will be impossible with God!”


This was taken from Baby Hunger: Biblical Encouragement for Those Struggling with Infertility by Beth Forbus. I love this book and encourage everyone dealing with infertility and infant loss to read this. It has great messages. You will be reading more posts that are from this book in the future! I have a lot to share from this book that has helped me tremendously.

Femara Cycle #2

The nurse at Dr. Ke's office called today. He started me on Provera (progesterone) again to induce my cycle. Since I did not ovulate, I will not get a cycle on my own. On day 3 through 7 of my cycle I will take Femara (Letrozole) again. This time he doubled my dose to 5mg. Looking forward to CD21 to see if I would have ovulated! Guess I will know in about 5 weeks!

Reasoning Behind the Title of my Blog

I plan everything. I like to know in advance what the plans are. I am not a “spur of the moment” kind of person. I do not like surprises or change in plans.

Pretty much my whole life has gone somewhat according to my plan. What I could not plan for was infertility. I have learned that God has his own plan.

This is the major thing He has been revealing to me during this time. His plan overrules my plan. I have been trying to clinch this mindset. Let me tell you, it’s not easy. But what I see is this: God has a plan for our family. It’s our unique plan. God’s plan for someone else’s life is not His plan for our lives.

This does not mean I know what our plan is yet. If He revealed everything to me I probably would never learn to trust, depend and put my faith in Him. Infertility is beyond my control and just because I have submitted my version of ‘the plan’ to God does not mean that He has accepted it. In fact, I now believe that He took one look at it and said, “Mine’s better.”

There is a reason that we are going through this struggle and the best way to look at it is to say that I am being “blessed” with the challenge of infertility. Crazy, I know. How can you be blessed by infertility? It’s definitely not the blessing of infertility itself – that is a trial. But it’s the journey through this trial that brings forth the blessings.

For one, my husband and I have never been closer. I love him more having gone through this trial than ever before. He is the one that has helped me to center my emotions and see that God is not punishing us and that He is in control.

Second, my prayer life has grown stronger. I find myself praying constantly throughout the day. Before this journey, I can honestly say I did not have the prayer life I should have had.

Thirdly, God has protected me from miscarriage. I have never felt the devastation of losing a pregnancy and I am thankful for this.

Fourth, in our journey through primary infertility, God blessed us with a beautiful healthy child named Ryder.

So here I am, onto Plan G. “G” for God. Not my plan but His plan. Some days I may wish I could write my own plan, but I know that God is blessing me through this challenge. I look forward to seeing my life plan unfold and discovering me.

The Past Year

Ryder Garrison made his perfect arrival on March 8th 2008. Robbie and I could not have been happier. He was exactly what we had hoped and prayed for.

We decided since it took a while to get pregnant with Ryder to just not prevent pregnancy after he was born. We knew that we really wanted to have another baby eventually. I went in for my yearly OB/GYN appointment in August 2008. I voiced my concern about possibly having trouble conceiving again. I had been told by numerous people that pregnancy "changes" your body and it will reverse it. I thought I would go back to normal. I thought I might ovulate on my own. I thought it would be easier this time... I still had not had a cycle since Ryder was born. It had been 5 months and since I did not breastfeed, I should have had 3 cycles by now! My doctor told me that I was not ovulating on my own and I would have to take medicine again to start having my cycles. She said whenever I wanted to try to get pregnant again she would prescribe me Clomid. I went home and talked it over with Robbie. We thought about it and prayed about it for about a week and made a decision to just go ahead and move forward with trying out the Clomid. Dr. Cole started me on Prometrium to induce my cycle and then gave me a round of Clomid. 50mg and I took it Cycle Days 3-7. I went in on Cycle Day 21 to have my blood work drawn (Believe me... this blood work stuff is a piece of cake now!) to check my progesterone level to see if I had ovulated. It was 1.2. Negative for ovulation. So, I took Prometrium again and did a second round of Clomid. 100 mg Cycle Days 3-7. This time my Cycle Day 21 progesterone level came back at 15! Completely unexpected! It was consistent with ovulation, but I did not get pregnant. Since I ovulated, I actually started on my own and decided to try a third round of Clomid. 100 mg Cycle Days 3-7. This time my progesterone level on Cycle Day 21 was less than 1. I had not ovulated... By this time it was December 2nd. Dr. Cole decided to refer me to Dr. Ke, a Reproductive Endocrinologist. My appointment was set for 6 weeks later... January 12th.

My initial appointment went really well. Although, looking back, I think I was kind of naive to think that I would get pregnant within a month or so.. That obviously has not happened yet! Dr. Ke suspected PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and did blood work to test multiple things and to confirm this diagnosis. He prescribed me 850 mg of Metformin twice a day. I would have to take this every day until I am through my baby-making years. He gave me Provera (a different progesterone drug) to start my cycle. When I did start I was to call and schedule an appointment to have an SHG to check for polyps on my uterus.

On February 17th 2009, I went in for the SHG. It was very similar to the HSG. It was painful. Lying there exposed on a cold metal table for 30 minutes with a catheter stuck up there and being injected with dye (which caused severe cramps) to check for uterine abnormalities. The doctor found several polyps on my uterus.

Feb 26th was my second RE appointment. He scheduled my surgery for March 13 to remove the polyps. He also confirmed that I had PCOS.

March 13th - My surgery (Hysteroscopy). Dr. Ke removed 2 large polyps as well as scraping my entire uterus to remove multiple small clusters of polyps. He started me on Provera to have a cycle again. I am still not having cycles on my own.

April 20th was my third RE appointment. He started a plan to get me pregnant. I had lost 14 pounds in the past 3 months, so my chances of conceiving with having the surgery and using the Metformin were at the highest percentage if I used ovulatory drugs. He started me on Provera again to induce my cycle. He prescribed me 2.5mg of Letrozole (femara). He said I was Clomid-resistant and that Letrozole usually worked better in patients with PCOS. I took this Cycle Days 3-7. Yesterday was Cycle Day 21, so I went in to have my blood drawn to see if I ovulated. I found out the results today and my progesterone level was less than 1. Not consistent with ovulation. The nurse is supposed to call me back on Tuesday to let me know if I will go to retest my progesterone on CD28 to test for late ovulation. Until then... just waiting! I do not think that I ovulated this cycle, so hopefully he will up my dosage to 5mg of the Letrozole.. We will see! I will update next week when I find out for sure. My next appointment is scheduled for June 22.

Welcome

Welcome to my infertility blog! I have decided to start this blog to make an account of my inferility journey as well as to use my story as a testimony to help others out there who are struggling with inferility. My journey started in July 2006 when I went off birth control. My husband and I tried for 12 months before successfully conceiving our son, Ryder. I rarely had cycles on my own and I rarely, if ever, ovulated on my own. Ryder is my miracle baby. Doctors cannot even explain how I got pregnant with him. I have less than a 4% chance of conceiving on my own without medical intervention. Ryder was that less than 4% chance... I did not use ovulatory drugs to conceive him. I did, however, have a HSG to test my fallopian tubes for blockages a month before I got pregnant with him. Pregnancy rate tends to be higher after this test. My journey to get pregnant with Ryder was a rollercoaster, but nothing could have prepared me for my emotional journey I have endured through secondary infertility. Believe me, it was heartwrenching when I was trying the first time, but I got pregnant before the doctors ever really discovered my problem and had a chance to somewhat correct that problem. The next post will cover details that the past year has brought on my journey of secondary infertility.