Jesus in Me

People everyday all around me are watching me... It is kinda like I am under surveillance. Not the FBI type of surveillance, but more so watching "me" and how I act, trying to figure out who I am. It is strange, but honestly I watch people. I think to myself often if a lady with a newborn baby had been trying to years to receive her precious gift or if she got pregnant "the first month" of trying. Maybe she wasn't trying at all. I watch people. I try to figure out what is going on in their lives. I watch parenting styles. Just everything pretty much.

Infertility is a struggle unlike no other. It affects every aspect of your life--your finances, your sex life, your marriage, your relationship with friends and family, your relationship with Jesus. There is no part of your life it does not touch. People around me are watching me to see how I deal with this crisis in my life. Honestly, a lot of people do not know that my husband and I are dealing with infertility. But my question is this: If they do know (or if they did know) that we are dealing with inferility, would they see Jesus in me? Will they see that I rely on God? Will they see my faith through the storms of infertility? Or will they see me shed gallong of tears? Will they see that I sometimes plead with God to make the hurt go away?

I have learned that people can see Jesus in me even when I have tears and emotions. I am not failing God or showing lack of faith if I hurt. God placed "baby hunger" in my life. Jesus had faith! Great, great faith, but he also showed feelings.

Recently, I have just really started speaking out about my infertility. And, you know, it really surprises people to hear that we have problems conceiving. But I have learned that it is okay to open up to people. God has used this trial in my life to make me who I am today. Inferility is my testimony.

I only know a handfull of people who have personally struggled with infertility. I like to think that I have touched their lives on how I choose to deal with my struggles by maintaining my faith. I definitely have moments of fear, times of frustration, and days when I simply refuse to be around pregnant people, but I believe that if I just hold on to that faith, even if I cannot see God's perfect design for my life, God can--and will--use me and my struggles with infertility to reach others to Heaven. This is just one reason why I consider infertility a blessing.