BIG Shock...

So, I started my cycle today... 3-4 days early. I was not due to start my cycle again until Wednesday or Thursday of this week according to when I last ovulated. I really don't know what to think at this point.

It is so hard to write this because I am dealing with an overabundance of emotions right now. Crying is about the only thing I am good at! But I can produce tears! Even if I can't produce good eggs. This was that month.. the one that was most important to me. I know God has His own plan, but right now I just want to wad up his paper and throw it away and write my own plan. It is so hard to give everything up completely. I just knew I would be pregnant this month. God has given me what I think it enough to suffer through. We have no money left to really try again. It is just overwhelming. I keep thinking, I have Ryder at least. But that is so hard to accept, because I want another baby. I want Ryder to have a sibling. I am not done having children. I don't want to be forced to be done. It would be one thing to make up my own mind that this is something I am going to do.. just have one child. One boy... to just have Ryder. But no, I have to be forced into making that decision. I know, I know, everything happens for a reason. But it is just sooooo hard to not know that reason. Why can everything good happen to everyone else? Why do I have to suffer through so much yet so many people around me are enjoying life? Why can I not have another baby? Why can I not get pregnant the first month when everyone around me seems to? Why does it have to cost us thousands of dollars out of our pocket and still the end result is no baby/pregnancy? I have so many questions... questions that I have prayed about regarding having another baby for 16 months now. Why can't God come down here and let me know that answer? Why can't be just send a big sign to let me know what His plan is? I am tired of thinking about it, tired of this whole subject consuming my mind, tired of feeling like I am going unnoticed and my prayers being at a halt. Obviously God is saying wait or maybe even no. I wish I knew for sure. I had my faith and hopes so high this month. So positive... and then again I am just left out there... Lonely. Wondering what my purpose in life is. Evidently it is not to reproduce! (Gotta have a little humor...) If I am just going to have one child I am fine with that, but I want to know for sure! I don't want to live life for years wondering.... on pins and needles thinking well, maybe I could be pregnant or maybe not (kinda like I was this month). I wish there was some way that we had the money to be able to keep trying and to keep our options going. I just feel like we are being forced to quit. I don't want to quit trying.. I want to move on and do more treatment. I feel as though I cannot get pregnant unless I put forth effort and try to make it happen. But then again is God telling me that I am putting too much faith in the medicine and not in Him? Should I quit everything all together and just wonder if I will ever miraculously get pregnant on my own? I mean, being labeled as "Infertile" means that I cannot conceive a child without medical intervention which I am willing to use! Even though it does not seem to be on my side right now... Being infertile causes way too much stress, unanswered questions, heartache, and things I just can't endure anymore... I feel like I have been given tons of burdens and I just do not know how much more I can take... I am kinda at my breaking point... Please keep myself and Robbie in your prayers as we will be forced to make difficult decisions about what to do next and our financial ability to do anything further... Thanks so much~