Only Child

When family planning, some people think it is best to have just one child, while others decide to have more, so their current child won't be alone. For those who had siblings as children, it may be hard to imagine what it is like to be an "only". As a grown-up only child, here is my perspective on what it is like, firsthand.

Many kids think it is a desirable position to be an only child. Well, yes and no. First, only children grow up with just adults to talk to at home most of the time, unless other children come to visit. Since the only child has no siblings to interact with, he or she relies on school and church friends to help them learn socialization skills, such as learning to share, conflict and forgiveness. Not being around other children as much as their peers with siblings, only kids may be more independent. Most only children grow up to be introverted. I feel I am marginal... sitting somewhere in the middle of being an introvert or an extrovert. I cannot bring myself to honestly believe I am one or the other. I feel as though since I did attend Sunday school and school starting at the age of 3, that made me more socially involved and get more interaction with peers than other only children.

Frequently, I used to hear things like, "All only children are spoiled." There are aspects of the only's world that are envious to others, such as having one's parents to oneself. Also, since there is only one child, the parents can spend more money on toys or gifts for the child. Yes,
the material things are nice, but things are just..things. It is better to have human interaction than a mountain of toys. Too much gifts and toys can leave the child feeling entitled and always wanting more. Though I did get a few extravagant gifts as a kid (my fourwheeler, Jeep, etc.), I learned to work hard for things I really wanted. Reluctantly, I learned that things wouldn't be always given to me whenever I wanted them. Other only children I knew as children were showered with gifts all the time, but I also saw wealthy families with many kids that got even more material things than I did.. So, it really just depends on your family situation. What kind of values the only child grows up with depends on how the parents handle discipline and distribution of gifts during their formative years. My parents gave me things, but also taught me the value of them. I had jobs and learned how to save money.

Being an only child can be a lonely experience. I like solitude, and can tolerate much more of it than many people I know, but sometimes being alone can be difficult. Sometimes I am envious of others who have siblings that they are really close too, but then I have to think to myself that just because I might have a sibling does not mean that I would be close to them. I know many people that have siblings they rarely talk to or see for that matter. The loss of family members to an only is highly devastating, so it is important to have friends or a spouse to be there in tough times. My family is alive and well, but my biggest fear is losing them someday, as this is unfortunately, an inevitable part of life.

One of the joys of being an only child is the deep connection shared with our parents. Many solitary children I knew as kids grew up to be independent, yet very attached to their mothers and fathers. I am very close to my parents.

All in all, being an only child can be pleasant and peaceful. I was able to concentrate on my individual pursuits such as singing, cheerleading and violin lessons, without having to argue with siblings about anything. I was able to have my parents at everything I did. And they were there together. There was no "Dad will take brother to baseball practice and Mom will take me to my cheerleading competition." They both attended all my events and we were together as a family. Rarely separated. I got to enjoy doing extracurricular activities. I didn't have to share my mom and dad with anyone. I feel as though I was a better child growing up and obeyed the rules more, rarely getting in trouble, because I had no one to blame my faults on. I had to suffer all the consequences since I was always in the wrong. I feel as though that allowed me to strive to be a well-behaved child and teen.

Since Robbie and I are in the middle of planning our family, it has really gotten me thinking. Robbie and I come from differents families so we are able to discuss the sibling vs. only child issue. Right now, especially because giving Ryder a sibling is going to cost us roughly 10 grand, we are contemplating Ryder being an only child. I know we have a little while to make our decision, but it is nice to have thought out the pros and cons of being an only child from my perspective. Some days I would love to be pregnant again and given Ryder a sibling.. other days I want him to be an only child and not have to endure this infertility journey anymore. Some days I want to continue the journey since we have gone so far already.. other days I want to quit thinking about it and how uneasy family planning comes to us. Other days I feel like maybe I just like the idea of being pregnant again and not the idea of actually having a baby brother or sister for Ryder.. And then there is the whole idea that I honestly would really love to have a girl one day.. but I do only have a 50% chance even if I do get pregnant of it being a girl! But it comes down to when I really want another baby, I could care less if it is a boy or a girl... I would take another boy in a heartbeat! Ryder is amazing! This is just a really hard subject to face especially since if we want our end result to be able to bless Ryder with a sibling that this will cost us an incredible amount of money. I pray for God's wisdom to help us make the right decision for our family. I pray that we will have peace with the decision that we make. I pray that we will do what is best for Ryder. I am so richly blessed to even have one child. Ryder is my miracle baby and if he ends up being my only one.. I will be so happy!

So.. here are some questions I have to face: Do I want my children to grow up together, form bonds and support one another as they get older? Or, do I prefer having a child who will possibly be more independent and preferring the company of adults to children. I have read this book by Kevin Leman called Birth Order. It talks about the psychological traits of only children versus second born or third born siblings. I read about their usual characteristics and they seemed very accurate in most cases, to me. I have to remember that whatever I decide will affect my child for the remainder of his life, both in positive and negative ways. Robbie and I need to weigh out what we think is best for our child and for ourselves. Whichever choice we make, it needs to be whatever choice will allow us to be there for them the most. I have learned with being an only child that the greatest gift you can give is love and time.