Our Miscarriage

Here is a timeline of what took place:

February 27 - Found out I was pregnant

March 15 - First doctor appt: Sac measured 5weeks 5 days. I got blood work done and received the results the next day (Friday, March 16). My progesterone was 4 and hcg was 11000+. Definitely pregnant, but according to my progesterone it doesn't look like it will be a viable pregnancy. Anything over 10 is good. 5-10 is questionable (50%/50%) and under 5 in not viable in 99% of pregnancies. EDD according to blood work would be Nov. 10, 2012. According to my blood hcg levels she feels as though I should be more around 6-8 weeks pregnant.

March 21 - A week later I had another doctor appt and the sac measured the same. 5 weeks 5 days. Bloodwork showed a progesterone of 3 and a hcg of 9,000+ so my levels were dropping which indicated a miscarriage was starting to happen. I set up a D&C for Tuesday, April 3.

March 23 - Started spotting.

March 26 - Severe pain and loosing a lot of blood but it was not clotty from 1-3pm, so I decided to go to the L&D ER. I miscarried on my own at the hospital. I passed a huge clot and got an ultrasound to confirm the miscarriage.

March 28 - Went for a followup visit at the doctors office. Had another ultrasound to confirm that everything had passed. My D&C was canceled. I bled for about two weeks total.

When I first found out I was pregnant I was scared, nervous... It took me a while to get excited. I am a planner, and this was definitely in the "not planned" category. I had a barely 9 month old BABY which I did IVF to even be able to have. So all the thoughts of "How did I even get pregnant?!" were spilling through my brain. We quickly got very excited about this pregnancy, but we didn't tell many. Just a hand full of very,very close friends. Being the planner that I am I started thinking of how I was going to put the boys in the same room and I had even started thinking about names!

Let me back track a little though... about 2-3 weeks before I found out I was pregnant Ryder kept saying he wanted a girl baby and that there was a baby in mommys belly. I never thought anything about it. We were going to be a 4 person family. Our family was complete. I was more content than ever. But Ryder just kept praying to God and insisting he wanted a sister! Well... he was right all along. We never told him I was pregnant. He went with me to my first doctor appointment and he even said the night before that there was no baby in mommy's belly. Little did we know he was right again.

When I went to my first doctor appointment and had the ultrasound my heart just sank. Looking at the screen and seeing the sac.. but no baby. I was devastated, but I had my two precious boys and husband sitting right there and I had to be strong. I was in shock. I had bonded with this baby. This child had its own special story in that it was the first one of our children actually conceived in our home. The one verse that kept swarming through my brain was " The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:21

It took me a few weeks to actually start the miscarriage process. My doctor monitored me through blood work and ultrasounds several times before the tragic event actually took place. Those weeks were so hard. It was a very confusing time. I was pregnant. But not pregnant. I was carrying a child.. but it was not living. I was having all the symptoms that I normally have while in early pregnancy, yet I knew in the back of my mind I would never deliver this baby. I would not raise this precious being.

Going through this miscarriage was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. It was so hard to be given something so easily and it be taken away so quickly. It is hard to understand why. Why did I get pregnant if it was just going to disappear within 4 fast weeks? Why did this happen when I was so content on just having two? A friend who had gone through a miscarriage a few years earlier recommended that I read the book Heaven is Forreal. It was an amazing book and it made me understand and I do still have three children! One is just in Heaven. I cannot forget that. It is my goal to get to Heaven one day. I want to meet my son or daughter that I have.

It has been about 6 weeks since I miscarried and, while it is still hard and I still think about it often, it has gotten easier. I have started to see positive light in this situation. Even throughout all of our sadness, our baby brought us so much JOY.. knowing that we could get pregnant on our own. Our goal as parents is to show our children the Lord and help them reach Heaven through salvation. What a blessing it is to know that one is already there! God does not make mistakes. He is the One who gives life and ultimately takes life away. He has that privelege. Everyone has a purpose and I find strength knowing that our precious little one fulfilled its purpose and it was time for the Lord to take him/her. Knowing that s/he has seen God is an indescribable feeling. S/he saw God before s/he ever saw mommy, daddy and the big brothers!

With everything Robbie and I have gone through in our marriage, I am grateful that God does not give us the vision to see into the future because I think I would be very fearful and terrified of knowing certain things that might be coming around the corner. I might not be willing to walk there. There's always the possibility of difficult days ahead and I know this is not the end of our journey. I am so blessed to have an incredible husband to walk this life hand in hand with.

Here are some verses and sayings that are very comforting to me:

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13

Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles, it empties today of its strength.

I take joy in doing your will, my God, for your instructions are written on my heart. Ps. 40:8 NLT