Waiting

So much of the fight for your sanity in your quest for a baby is waiting. You wait for the next cycle to begin. You wait for the next round of IVF. You wait for the blood test. You wait to get past the point of your last miscarriage. Everybody despises that dreaded two week wait. It seems like all we do sometimes is just sit around and wait. Why is it that even God tells us to wait?

Look at the Scripture found in Isaiah 40:31:

“Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength;”

I love to look at the literal translation of words in Scripture. You can learn so much when you know what the writer had in mind when he took pen in hand. Look what I found about what the word wait really means:

“A straining of the mind in a certain direction with an expectant
attitude…a forward look with assurance.”

Waiting is not passive at all! It is active! If you feel weary of this fight, and need to gain new strength, this Scripture literally tells you what to do: wait. Don’t wait like you may have previously thought about waiting—you know, sitting around doing nothing. Wait like the Word of God tells you to. Strain your mind toward God with an expectant attitude, looking forward with assurance!

Let’s break down the definition we found of the literal meaning of this word "wait."




“A straining of the mind in a certain direction with an expectant
attitude…a forward look with assurance.”




A straining of the mind in a certain direction…It is so easy to keep your mind on negativity during the battle with infertility. It may not be easy to keep your thoughts going in the right direction, but it is possible. How can you strain toward God and knowing Him more if there are so many negative and hurtful thoughts bouncing around your mind? Here are two other Scriptures for you to lean on:

Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.”

Don’t forget that when Paul wrote these words he understood hard times. He was actually in prison at the time he wrote this. It probably would have been easy for him to write about his beatings, rats crawling on him, his being wrongly imprisoned. Instead he tells us to think on these things instead of hardships. Several times in this book, he even commands us to “Rejoice!”

2 Corinthians 10:5 “We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.”

You can take negative, damaging thoughts and place them under the obedience of Christ, Himself. This was written also by Paul, who told you what things to think on.

Use these Scriptures to strain your mind in this direction. We are given instruction in Philippians as to what type of thoughts to think, and told in 2 Corinthians that we can take negative thoughts and make them captive to Christ. Train your mind to strain toward Christ and the kind of thoughts He wants you to have in your heart and mind. It will probably feel totally foreign to you at first, to disallow negative thoughts, and replace them with whatever is good, lovely, right. It is exponentially easier to give in to negative thoughts. Fight it. Strain toward another direction. Strain toward God and knowing Him more.




…with an expectant attitude…When you have a problem like infertility or grief over the loss of your baby, your mindset can be depressed. Satan can begin to convince you that God has forgotten you and that you will live in heartache for the rest of your life. Your view of your future is dim. That makes the waiting portion of this season very heavy.

Rather than focusing on what God has not placed in your life at this time, decide to look forward to the plan He has lovingly designed for you. Determine in your heart to develop an expectant attitude! God is working through this season in your life! Expect that His plan for you is good! Expect to grow closer to God through this. Even if your heart cannot keep time with an expectant attitude, try to develop one anyway. Eventually your heart will catch up to your head!

Here are a couple of Scriptures to back this up:

Jeremiah 29:11 ‘“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”’

If the Lord has a plan for you, you can expect that He will bring it to pass!

Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”

Guess what the word “hoped” literally means?!? That’s right! The literal translation for the word “hoped” is “expect”! Faith is the assurance of things we expect!

Are you praying for something? Of course you are! Do you believe God hears you? Do you believe He has a plan for your life? Then expect an answer!




…a forward look with assurance. Look forward! Don’t look behind at failed cycles, or beat yourself up because you aren’t handling things as well as you once did. The next pregnancy will be a brand new pregnancy—not the same pregnancy that ended in loss. Look forward with assurance!

Philippians 3:13 “Forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”

Don’t worry about the past. You cannot change it. Look forward to what lies ahead and press on!

You never knew there was so much work involved in waiting, did you? I’ll bet you thought you were a pro at waiting! God promises renewed strength, endurance and courage to keep on going when you wait.

I encourage you to wait on the Lord and find this new strength He promises. He is faithful to His Word and faithful to you.


*Taken from Sarah's Laughter Daily Double Portions

Thankfulness

Robbie and I recently have had amazing things be put before us. 2008 and 2009 were tough years for us in many ways, but God has helped us through with His steadfast and amazing love. It is incredible to look back over the past 20 months or so and finally start to realize why God allowed things to happen the way they did. Even though we are still in the midst of our storm with infertility, I have come to have gratitude toward God and be thankful for our many trials. Our God is a gracious God and while it has taken me time to see that, I am very blessed and glad that He has made me realize this in the way He has.

At one point in 2009, I honestly told God that if He was trying to teach me a lesson through my infertility, He had completely missed His chance. I had been open to His lesson for several months and still not baby, so I told Him I was done with being okay with Him trying to teach me something. I didn't want to have anything to do with his lesson! Since then, God has taken my bitter heart and softened it. He has shown me that His plan is the best plan... the ONLY plan that is right for me. I have accepted this and I am learning to move forward with peace and patience.

We are God's masterpiece, made to reflect the artist's heart. Realizing this statement hit me with a ton of bricks. This life really is not about me. It has nothing to do with me except for my life to reflect Christ. When I started realizing that this is all about God's plan for my life (which is the PERFECT plan), my ideas for my life and our family's are quickly falling away. I pray that I can really start to reflect Him and His love and be more content.

I have so much to be thankful for. A husband who loves the Lord, loves me intensely, and works so hard to provide for us. A little boy who is the light of my life and who brings me joy every day. A close-knit family. A house with more than we ever need. Clothes in my closet. Food in my pantry. A wonderful Church home. A Lord who is in control and loves me more than I could ever imagine. Friends who really know me and love me anyway. The list could go on and on and on. It makes me want to just curl up in a ball and cry to think that I was dwelling on what I didn't have when all of this was around me the whole time. Accepting just being a family of 3 has been really hard, but it is getting easier every day. Strength from the Lord is my medicine! =)

2010 is going to be a good year for so many reasons.

91 days later...

So, last night I was adding up when I had my last cycle. It had been 90 days (today makes it 91). 90 days?!?! I should have had 3 in the time I have only had one! That cycle was even induced by medicine... so not really technically my own cycle. Well, yesterday I was having a pretty rough day. We are care group leaders this year for our church and it just so happens that like every fertile couple with the most kids just happened to be put in our group.. even the ones that are wanting to get pregnant soon and ones that just had babies or about to have babies.. Great.. so I will be reminded that I am younger than all of them and still cannot have another baby on my own. Well, I have been going to the chiropractor for a little over a month. Today started week 5 of my adjustments and I STARTED MY CYCLE! Let me just say... this is my first cycle on my own in like...3 years?!? Since well before I got pregnant with Ryder! I AM SO THRILLED! Yay! We will see what happens from here!

Chiropractor!

So! A few people recommended me to Dr. Price in Arlington, so I went! It was a great deal with the x-rays and everything included. He has worked with several infertile women and has gotten them to cycle regularly and even gotten some to get pregnant! He has noticed with every woman that he has worked with with infertility that our sacrums are not in the correct place. He has me on a plan to have adjustments done over the next year. I really am amazed at what a great opportunity this might be! God is so good! I have had a few adjustments and I have been kinda crampy.. which could mean that I might start on my own eventually! That would be fantastic! My adjustment plan:

3x a week for 8 weeks
2x a week for 8 weeks
1x a week for 8 weeks
2x a month for 6 months

I really hope this works. If nothing else, it would be great to see myself cycling on my own! That would be a major blessing and improvement from how my body is functioning now! I will update in a few weeks with how things are going.

Trying Something New...

So, my insurance stinks and since we are completely blessed with the ability to have one child, Robbie and I are considering not doing IVF. We were not going to do it until next Fall anyways, but now it seems like it might be a little longer than that. We cannot financially dish out 10 grand. So, I have been thinking about it and I think I am going to see a Chiropractor that specializes in infertility. We will see! It doesn't hurt to just try it. I know of a girl that went off her ovulatory medications and went to see a chiropractor and she thinks she is pregnant! So, maybe it will work for me! I made an appointment with a doctor in Arlington for Wednesday. I will update when I know more!

Only Child

When family planning, some people think it is best to have just one child, while others decide to have more, so their current child won't be alone. For those who had siblings as children, it may be hard to imagine what it is like to be an "only". As a grown-up only child, here is my perspective on what it is like, firsthand.

Many kids think it is a desirable position to be an only child. Well, yes and no. First, only children grow up with just adults to talk to at home most of the time, unless other children come to visit. Since the only child has no siblings to interact with, he or she relies on school and church friends to help them learn socialization skills, such as learning to share, conflict and forgiveness. Not being around other children as much as their peers with siblings, only kids may be more independent. Most only children grow up to be introverted. I feel I am marginal... sitting somewhere in the middle of being an introvert or an extrovert. I cannot bring myself to honestly believe I am one or the other. I feel as though since I did attend Sunday school and school starting at the age of 3, that made me more socially involved and get more interaction with peers than other only children.

Frequently, I used to hear things like, "All only children are spoiled." There are aspects of the only's world that are envious to others, such as having one's parents to oneself. Also, since there is only one child, the parents can spend more money on toys or gifts for the child. Yes,
the material things are nice, but things are just..things. It is better to have human interaction than a mountain of toys. Too much gifts and toys can leave the child feeling entitled and always wanting more. Though I did get a few extravagant gifts as a kid (my fourwheeler, Jeep, etc.), I learned to work hard for things I really wanted. Reluctantly, I learned that things wouldn't be always given to me whenever I wanted them. Other only children I knew as children were showered with gifts all the time, but I also saw wealthy families with many kids that got even more material things than I did.. So, it really just depends on your family situation. What kind of values the only child grows up with depends on how the parents handle discipline and distribution of gifts during their formative years. My parents gave me things, but also taught me the value of them. I had jobs and learned how to save money.

Being an only child can be a lonely experience. I like solitude, and can tolerate much more of it than many people I know, but sometimes being alone can be difficult. Sometimes I am envious of others who have siblings that they are really close too, but then I have to think to myself that just because I might have a sibling does not mean that I would be close to them. I know many people that have siblings they rarely talk to or see for that matter. The loss of family members to an only is highly devastating, so it is important to have friends or a spouse to be there in tough times. My family is alive and well, but my biggest fear is losing them someday, as this is unfortunately, an inevitable part of life.

One of the joys of being an only child is the deep connection shared with our parents. Many solitary children I knew as kids grew up to be independent, yet very attached to their mothers and fathers. I am very close to my parents.

All in all, being an only child can be pleasant and peaceful. I was able to concentrate on my individual pursuits such as singing, cheerleading and violin lessons, without having to argue with siblings about anything. I was able to have my parents at everything I did. And they were there together. There was no "Dad will take brother to baseball practice and Mom will take me to my cheerleading competition." They both attended all my events and we were together as a family. Rarely separated. I got to enjoy doing extracurricular activities. I didn't have to share my mom and dad with anyone. I feel as though I was a better child growing up and obeyed the rules more, rarely getting in trouble, because I had no one to blame my faults on. I had to suffer all the consequences since I was always in the wrong. I feel as though that allowed me to strive to be a well-behaved child and teen.

Since Robbie and I are in the middle of planning our family, it has really gotten me thinking. Robbie and I come from differents families so we are able to discuss the sibling vs. only child issue. Right now, especially because giving Ryder a sibling is going to cost us roughly 10 grand, we are contemplating Ryder being an only child. I know we have a little while to make our decision, but it is nice to have thought out the pros and cons of being an only child from my perspective. Some days I would love to be pregnant again and given Ryder a sibling.. other days I want him to be an only child and not have to endure this infertility journey anymore. Some days I want to continue the journey since we have gone so far already.. other days I want to quit thinking about it and how uneasy family planning comes to us. Other days I feel like maybe I just like the idea of being pregnant again and not the idea of actually having a baby brother or sister for Ryder.. And then there is the whole idea that I honestly would really love to have a girl one day.. but I do only have a 50% chance even if I do get pregnant of it being a girl! But it comes down to when I really want another baby, I could care less if it is a boy or a girl... I would take another boy in a heartbeat! Ryder is amazing! This is just a really hard subject to face especially since if we want our end result to be able to bless Ryder with a sibling that this will cost us an incredible amount of money. I pray for God's wisdom to help us make the right decision for our family. I pray that we will have peace with the decision that we make. I pray that we will do what is best for Ryder. I am so richly blessed to even have one child. Ryder is my miracle baby and if he ends up being my only one.. I will be so happy!

So.. here are some questions I have to face: Do I want my children to grow up together, form bonds and support one another as they get older? Or, do I prefer having a child who will possibly be more independent and preferring the company of adults to children. I have read this book by Kevin Leman called Birth Order. It talks about the psychological traits of only children versus second born or third born siblings. I read about their usual characteristics and they seemed very accurate in most cases, to me. I have to remember that whatever I decide will affect my child for the remainder of his life, both in positive and negative ways. Robbie and I need to weigh out what we think is best for our child and for ourselves. Whichever choice we make, it needs to be whatever choice will allow us to be there for them the most. I have learned with being an only child that the greatest gift you can give is love and time.

Ps. 34:19

"A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all."

This verse was mentioned in the sermon this past Sunday morning and it was very encouraging. God is there throughout my entire journey with infertility and He will be there for me and help me through my struggles.