Only Child

When family planning, some people think it is best to have just one child, while others decide to have more, so their current child won't be alone. For those who had siblings as children, it may be hard to imagine what it is like to be an "only". As a grown-up only child, here is my perspective on what it is like, firsthand.

Many kids think it is a desirable position to be an only child. Well, yes and no. First, only children grow up with just adults to talk to at home most of the time, unless other children come to visit. Since the only child has no siblings to interact with, he or she relies on school and church friends to help them learn socialization skills, such as learning to share, conflict and forgiveness. Not being around other children as much as their peers with siblings, only kids may be more independent. Most only children grow up to be introverted. I feel I am marginal... sitting somewhere in the middle of being an introvert or an extrovert. I cannot bring myself to honestly believe I am one or the other. I feel as though since I did attend Sunday school and school starting at the age of 3, that made me more socially involved and get more interaction with peers than other only children.

Frequently, I used to hear things like, "All only children are spoiled." There are aspects of the only's world that are envious to others, such as having one's parents to oneself. Also, since there is only one child, the parents can spend more money on toys or gifts for the child. Yes,
the material things are nice, but things are just..things. It is better to have human interaction than a mountain of toys. Too much gifts and toys can leave the child feeling entitled and always wanting more. Though I did get a few extravagant gifts as a kid (my fourwheeler, Jeep, etc.), I learned to work hard for things I really wanted. Reluctantly, I learned that things wouldn't be always given to me whenever I wanted them. Other only children I knew as children were showered with gifts all the time, but I also saw wealthy families with many kids that got even more material things than I did.. So, it really just depends on your family situation. What kind of values the only child grows up with depends on how the parents handle discipline and distribution of gifts during their formative years. My parents gave me things, but also taught me the value of them. I had jobs and learned how to save money.

Being an only child can be a lonely experience. I like solitude, and can tolerate much more of it than many people I know, but sometimes being alone can be difficult. Sometimes I am envious of others who have siblings that they are really close too, but then I have to think to myself that just because I might have a sibling does not mean that I would be close to them. I know many people that have siblings they rarely talk to or see for that matter. The loss of family members to an only is highly devastating, so it is important to have friends or a spouse to be there in tough times. My family is alive and well, but my biggest fear is losing them someday, as this is unfortunately, an inevitable part of life.

One of the joys of being an only child is the deep connection shared with our parents. Many solitary children I knew as kids grew up to be independent, yet very attached to their mothers and fathers. I am very close to my parents.

All in all, being an only child can be pleasant and peaceful. I was able to concentrate on my individual pursuits such as singing, cheerleading and violin lessons, without having to argue with siblings about anything. I was able to have my parents at everything I did. And they were there together. There was no "Dad will take brother to baseball practice and Mom will take me to my cheerleading competition." They both attended all my events and we were together as a family. Rarely separated. I got to enjoy doing extracurricular activities. I didn't have to share my mom and dad with anyone. I feel as though I was a better child growing up and obeyed the rules more, rarely getting in trouble, because I had no one to blame my faults on. I had to suffer all the consequences since I was always in the wrong. I feel as though that allowed me to strive to be a well-behaved child and teen.

Since Robbie and I are in the middle of planning our family, it has really gotten me thinking. Robbie and I come from differents families so we are able to discuss the sibling vs. only child issue. Right now, especially because giving Ryder a sibling is going to cost us roughly 10 grand, we are contemplating Ryder being an only child. I know we have a little while to make our decision, but it is nice to have thought out the pros and cons of being an only child from my perspective. Some days I would love to be pregnant again and given Ryder a sibling.. other days I want him to be an only child and not have to endure this infertility journey anymore. Some days I want to continue the journey since we have gone so far already.. other days I want to quit thinking about it and how uneasy family planning comes to us. Other days I feel like maybe I just like the idea of being pregnant again and not the idea of actually having a baby brother or sister for Ryder.. And then there is the whole idea that I honestly would really love to have a girl one day.. but I do only have a 50% chance even if I do get pregnant of it being a girl! But it comes down to when I really want another baby, I could care less if it is a boy or a girl... I would take another boy in a heartbeat! Ryder is amazing! This is just a really hard subject to face especially since if we want our end result to be able to bless Ryder with a sibling that this will cost us an incredible amount of money. I pray for God's wisdom to help us make the right decision for our family. I pray that we will have peace with the decision that we make. I pray that we will do what is best for Ryder. I am so richly blessed to even have one child. Ryder is my miracle baby and if he ends up being my only one.. I will be so happy!

So.. here are some questions I have to face: Do I want my children to grow up together, form bonds and support one another as they get older? Or, do I prefer having a child who will possibly be more independent and preferring the company of adults to children. I have read this book by Kevin Leman called Birth Order. It talks about the psychological traits of only children versus second born or third born siblings. I read about their usual characteristics and they seemed very accurate in most cases, to me. I have to remember that whatever I decide will affect my child for the remainder of his life, both in positive and negative ways. Robbie and I need to weigh out what we think is best for our child and for ourselves. Whichever choice we make, it needs to be whatever choice will allow us to be there for them the most. I have learned with being an only child that the greatest gift you can give is love and time.

Ps. 34:19

"A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all."

This verse was mentioned in the sermon this past Sunday morning and it was very encouraging. God is there throughout my entire journey with infertility and He will be there for me and help me through my struggles.

Journey

It has been a month since my last post and it was a break that was much-needed. A lot has happened over the past month not necessarily to my daily life situations, but to my inner thoughts and mind. I have been feeling uplifted and blessed, not angry and bitter or jealous. I feel closer to my husband than ever before. I cannot really explain it... and I still do not have a blessed womb. That just goes to show me that I can be happy and make good of my infertility struggles with God on my side. He has been my constant friend and companion through this entire journey which is still on-going, but my struggles are becoming strengthened day by day.

I have been thinking about life and struggling with the "whys" for so long that I just needed to give it up. I feel at peace about our decision to hold off several months before persuing IVF. Not only for financial reasons, but for reasons to grow stronger to God and to each other as a family. And also to enjoy Ryder. He has been an incredible blessing to our family and that is one reason why it is so upsetting to me that I may never bring another child into this world. He has brought so much joy that I would love to add on to that joy. I would love for him to have a sibling one day, but I know that God has His plan and purpose which is greater than anything I could even imagine my life being years down the road. I have faith and trust His timing and His control over my life. I have decided to give it up... literally... it is completely His choice if I have another baby. He knows what I can handle and what the best situation for our family is. He knows if Ryder needs a sibling or not and when if he chooses to take us down that path. I have learned to be content. I look at Ryder everyday and he just changes so fast... within a blink of an eye he is changing rapidly. I enjoy watching him grow and mature... learning new things and talking more and more everyday. Those little moments make me the happiest. And to know that I have the most amazing, supportive husband walking this journey with me so we can grow into more Godly parents. I wouldn't have it any other way. I would not change the fact that I am infertile. God loves me that way and my husband loves me that way... I am quickly learning to love myself that way. That is how God perfectly designed me and He does not make mistakes. It is all done according to His good and perfect purpose.

I have learned through his experience more about myself and my relationship with God and my husband and child than I ever thought I could take from his painful, agonizing journey. I am still growing and learning and dealing with this journey... and I look forward to living what God has in store for my future. Anything that causes me to seek God brings blessings! I am contently awaiting those blessings, but I have faith and trust God that great things will come from infertility. This situation that has driven me on my knees is great for me to experience. It gives me strength and comfort. It strangely enough reminds me that I have something in my life that cares for me so much. God has revealed much about his character throughout my struggle. When I started this walk I would have never imagined being in the place that I am now spiritually. Today I think, how could I ever stray from God? He has been there the entire time. Loving me. Guiding me. Strengthening me. I continue to pray to God for strength and wisdom. Lord willing one day this journey will be complete. It will have an end. Even though I cannot see that end now, I know it will come. And I will give God ALL the praise for running the race with me and pushing me to the finish line.

Questions...

Does the Bible say anything about fertility treatments or medical assistance?

This is such an important question for us to consider, as many of us have been told that without medical intervention, our chances to have a biological child are slim. What does Scripture say?

The Word of God is so very relevant to our lives today. Even though there is nothing in the Bible that says “Lo, a woman named Beth was infertile, and God said to do IVF”, nor does it say “Thou shalt not use artificial reproductive technology,” we can still turn to it for the answers we seek. What can we learn about God’s view of medical intervention in general? Consider who Jesus called to be His confidants. One of the divinely appointed disciples that Jesus chose to be a member of His inner circle was Luke, a physician. There is no reference of Jesus telling Luke to abandon his interest in medicine, or condemning him for helping sick people with his medical training. In 1 Timothy 5:23, the apostle Paul tells Timothy to take wine for medicinal purposes for his various illnesses. These Scriptures give us a general idea of how God looks at medical intervention. Never forget, however, that Jesus Christ took literal stripes on His back for your healing. All healing comes from Him, whether facilitated through medicine, surgery, medical treatment or instantaneous, miraculous healing.

There is another nugget hidden in Scripture that may be of interest to you as part of a couple struggling with infertility. In Genesis 30, there is a reference to mandrakes, a common fruit which was believed to increase a person’s fertility. The Old Testament equivalent to clomid! This passage tells the story of Jacob and Rachel’s infertility. The mention of mandrakes is not followed by any condemnation, and eventually Rachel is blessed with children. Mandrakes are also mentioned in the Song of Solomon (7:13).

I believe the bottom line is this: God is the Giver of Life. He chooses when and how to grant life, whether He grants this miracle through medical intervention, a spontaneous and miraculous conception, or not at all. You and your spouse must decide how God is leading you, and walk in His will. This writing is done as a starting point for you to study God’s Word for yourself and find answers there. What may be God’s perfect will for one person, may not be for another. Search the Word for what God is saying to you. Remember that He writes the same way He speaks! When you seek Him in prayer, don’t forget to listen for His answers.

Taken from Sarah's Laughter Daily Double Portions

What if another child is not God's plan for us?

This is a question that I have begun to ask myself. It is hard to discuss or even really consider. It is possible to feel complete with just one child? How will I cope if this is God's plan?

I find encouragement in the truth that nothing will ever happen to me that has not been filtered through God's hands. Even though infertility has shocked me completely, I realize that God has known this would be part of my life story since before time began. Psalm 139:16 says “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” He knows every struggle I face today, tomorrow, and the rest of my life. This is good news.. Why? Because he knows just how to lead me through each and every trial. If His plan is for us to be a family of three, He knows how to carry me through the moment this possibility becomes a reality. He has a plan to bring me through every situation. His wisdom is infinite. His love is unending. His mercies are new every morning.

Here is a wonderful promise that God wrote that I find comfort in. John 10:10 says, “I’ve come that you might have life, and have it more abundantly.” God wants me to have an abundant life! When He spoke the stars into existence and formed the world, He did it with just a word from His lips. He so strongly wants me to have an abundant life that He came to ensure it! It is also important to notice what is missing in this Scripture. This Scripture does not say “I’ve come that you might have life and have it more abundantly as long as you have 2 or more children.” The fact that Jesus came for us is enough for us to have an abundant life in Him, whether more children are a part of God’s plan for us or not.

If God's plan for me does not include more children, He knows how to sustain me. He offers me an abundant life through Him anyway. He loves me enough to provide an amazing, fulfilling life for me, even if my family is a perfect family of 3.

Decisions

We are going to wait and see what Dr. Ke says, but I am pretty sure we will go the IVF route eventually. More successful... but also more expensive.

Since we do not have $12,000 laying around that we can actually use on IVF right now, we have a longterm goal/plan.

We are hoping to save, save, save and get Robbie's truck paid off asap! Then we will not have that note, so we can save more! We are hoping to finance IVF with a 6-month no interest loan. So, before we get started with the IVF and take out the loan we want to have enough saved to where we will pay it all off within those 6 months before interest kicks in. Lord willing maybe next fall or winter we will be able to start this process. It is a long-shot, but we are going to strive to make it work! We shall see! And who knows... God is sooo good that we might even miraculously get pregnant again within the next year without any help... Prayer works!

BIG Shock...

So, I started my cycle today... 3-4 days early. I was not due to start my cycle again until Wednesday or Thursday of this week according to when I last ovulated. I really don't know what to think at this point.

It is so hard to write this because I am dealing with an overabundance of emotions right now. Crying is about the only thing I am good at! But I can produce tears! Even if I can't produce good eggs. This was that month.. the one that was most important to me. I know God has His own plan, but right now I just want to wad up his paper and throw it away and write my own plan. It is so hard to give everything up completely. I just knew I would be pregnant this month. God has given me what I think it enough to suffer through. We have no money left to really try again. It is just overwhelming. I keep thinking, I have Ryder at least. But that is so hard to accept, because I want another baby. I want Ryder to have a sibling. I am not done having children. I don't want to be forced to be done. It would be one thing to make up my own mind that this is something I am going to do.. just have one child. One boy... to just have Ryder. But no, I have to be forced into making that decision. I know, I know, everything happens for a reason. But it is just sooooo hard to not know that reason. Why can everything good happen to everyone else? Why do I have to suffer through so much yet so many people around me are enjoying life? Why can I not have another baby? Why can I not get pregnant the first month when everyone around me seems to? Why does it have to cost us thousands of dollars out of our pocket and still the end result is no baby/pregnancy? I have so many questions... questions that I have prayed about regarding having another baby for 16 months now. Why can't God come down here and let me know that answer? Why can't be just send a big sign to let me know what His plan is? I am tired of thinking about it, tired of this whole subject consuming my mind, tired of feeling like I am going unnoticed and my prayers being at a halt. Obviously God is saying wait or maybe even no. I wish I knew for sure. I had my faith and hopes so high this month. So positive... and then again I am just left out there... Lonely. Wondering what my purpose in life is. Evidently it is not to reproduce! (Gotta have a little humor...) If I am just going to have one child I am fine with that, but I want to know for sure! I don't want to live life for years wondering.... on pins and needles thinking well, maybe I could be pregnant or maybe not (kinda like I was this month). I wish there was some way that we had the money to be able to keep trying and to keep our options going. I just feel like we are being forced to quit. I don't want to quit trying.. I want to move on and do more treatment. I feel as though I cannot get pregnant unless I put forth effort and try to make it happen. But then again is God telling me that I am putting too much faith in the medicine and not in Him? Should I quit everything all together and just wonder if I will ever miraculously get pregnant on my own? I mean, being labeled as "Infertile" means that I cannot conceive a child without medical intervention which I am willing to use! Even though it does not seem to be on my side right now... Being infertile causes way too much stress, unanswered questions, heartache, and things I just can't endure anymore... I feel like I have been given tons of burdens and I just do not know how much more I can take... I am kinda at my breaking point... Please keep myself and Robbie in your prayers as we will be forced to make difficult decisions about what to do next and our financial ability to do anything further... Thanks so much~