Here is a timeline of what took place:
February 27 - Found out I was pregnant
March 15 - First doctor appt: Sac measured 5weeks 5 days. I
got blood work done and received the results the next day (Friday, March 16).
My progesterone was 4 and hcg was 11000+. Definitely pregnant, but according to
my progesterone it doesn't look like it will be a viable pregnancy. Anything
over 10 is good. 5-10 is questionable (50%/50%) and under 5 in not viable in
99% of pregnancies. EDD according to blood work would be Nov. 10, 2012.
According to my blood hcg levels she feels as though I should be more around
6-8 weeks pregnant.
March 21 - A week later I had another doctor appt and the
sac measured the same. 5 weeks 5 days. Bloodwork showed a progesterone of 3 and
a hcg of 9,000+ so my levels were dropping which indicated a miscarriage was
starting to happen. I set up a D&C for Tuesday, April 3.
March 23 - Started spotting.
March 26 - Severe pain and loosing a lot of blood but it was
not clotty from 1-3pm, so I decided to go to the L&D ER. I miscarried on my
own at the hospital. I passed a huge clot and got an ultrasound to confirm the
miscarriage.
March 28 - Went for a followup visit at the doctors office.
Had another ultrasound to confirm that everything had passed. My D&C was
canceled. I bled for about two weeks total.
When I first found out I was pregnant I was scared,
nervous... It took me a while to get excited. I am a planner, and this was
definitely in the "not planned" category. I had a barely 9 month old
BABY which I did IVF to even be able to have. So all the thoughts of "How
did I even get pregnant?!" were spilling through my brain. We quickly got
very excited about this pregnancy, but we didn't tell many. Just a hand full of
very,very close friends. Being the planner that I am I started thinking of how
I was going to put the boys in the same room and I had even started thinking
about names!
Let me back track a little though... about 2-3 weeks before
I found out I was pregnant Ryder kept saying he wanted a girl baby and that
there was a baby in mommys belly. I never thought anything about it. We were
going to be a 4 person family. Our family was complete. I was more content than
ever. But Ryder just kept praying to God and insisting he wanted a sister!
Well... he was right all along. We never told him I was pregnant. He went with
me to my first doctor appointment and he even said the night before that there
was no baby in mommy's belly. Little did we know he was right again.
When I went to my first doctor appointment and had the
ultrasound my heart just sank. Looking at the screen and seeing the sac.. but
no baby. I was devastated, but I had my two precious boys and husband sitting
right there and I had to be strong. I was in shock. I had bonded with this
baby. This child had its own special story in that it was the first one of our
children actually conceived in our home. The one verse that kept swarming
through my brain was " The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be
the name of the Lord." Job 1:21
It took me a few weeks to actually start the miscarriage
process. My doctor monitored me through blood work and ultrasounds several
times before the tragic event actually took place. Those weeks were so hard. It
was a very confusing time. I was pregnant. But not pregnant. I was carrying a
child.. but it was not living. I was having all the symptoms that I normally
have while in early pregnancy, yet I knew in the back of my mind I would never
deliver this baby. I would not raise this precious being.
Going through this miscarriage was one of the hardest things
I have ever gone through. It was so hard to be given something so easily and it
be taken away so quickly. It is hard to understand why. Why did I get pregnant
if it was just going to disappear within 4 fast weeks? Why did this happen when
I was so content on just having two? A friend who had gone through a
miscarriage a few years earlier recommended that I read the book Heaven is
Forreal. It was an amazing book and it made me understand and I do still have
three children! One is just in Heaven. I cannot forget that. It is my goal to
get to Heaven one day. I want to meet my son or daughter that I have.
It has been about 6 weeks since I miscarried and, while it
is still hard and I still think about it often, it has gotten easier. I have
started to see positive light in this situation. Even throughout all of our
sadness, our baby brought us so much JOY.. knowing that we could get pregnant
on our own. Our goal as parents is to show our children the Lord and help them
reach Heaven through salvation. What a blessing it is to know that one is
already there! God does not make mistakes. He is the One who gives life and
ultimately takes life away. He has that privelege. Everyone has a purpose and I
find strength knowing that our precious little one fulfilled its purpose and it
was time for the Lord to take him/her. Knowing that s/he has seen God is an
indescribable feeling. S/he saw God before s/he ever saw mommy, daddy and the
big brothers!
With everything Robbie and I have gone through in our
marriage, I am grateful that God does not give us the vision to see into the
future because I think I would be very fearful and terrified of knowing certain
things that might be coming around the corner. I might not be willing to walk
there. There's always the possibility of difficult days ahead and I know this
is not the end of our journey. I am so blessed to have an incredible husband to
walk this life hand in hand with.
Here are some verses and sayings that are very comforting to
me:
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's
purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have
peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the
world. John 16:33
For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right
hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13
Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles, it empties
today of its strength.
I take joy in doing your will, my God, for your instructions
are written on my heart. Ps. 40:8 NLT
