BIG Shock...

So, I started my cycle today... 3-4 days early. I was not due to start my cycle again until Wednesday or Thursday of this week according to when I last ovulated. I really don't know what to think at this point.

It is so hard to write this because I am dealing with an overabundance of emotions right now. Crying is about the only thing I am good at! But I can produce tears! Even if I can't produce good eggs. This was that month.. the one that was most important to me. I know God has His own plan, but right now I just want to wad up his paper and throw it away and write my own plan. It is so hard to give everything up completely. I just knew I would be pregnant this month. God has given me what I think it enough to suffer through. We have no money left to really try again. It is just overwhelming. I keep thinking, I have Ryder at least. But that is so hard to accept, because I want another baby. I want Ryder to have a sibling. I am not done having children. I don't want to be forced to be done. It would be one thing to make up my own mind that this is something I am going to do.. just have one child. One boy... to just have Ryder. But no, I have to be forced into making that decision. I know, I know, everything happens for a reason. But it is just sooooo hard to not know that reason. Why can everything good happen to everyone else? Why do I have to suffer through so much yet so many people around me are enjoying life? Why can I not have another baby? Why can I not get pregnant the first month when everyone around me seems to? Why does it have to cost us thousands of dollars out of our pocket and still the end result is no baby/pregnancy? I have so many questions... questions that I have prayed about regarding having another baby for 16 months now. Why can't God come down here and let me know that answer? Why can't be just send a big sign to let me know what His plan is? I am tired of thinking about it, tired of this whole subject consuming my mind, tired of feeling like I am going unnoticed and my prayers being at a halt. Obviously God is saying wait or maybe even no. I wish I knew for sure. I had my faith and hopes so high this month. So positive... and then again I am just left out there... Lonely. Wondering what my purpose in life is. Evidently it is not to reproduce! (Gotta have a little humor...) If I am just going to have one child I am fine with that, but I want to know for sure! I don't want to live life for years wondering.... on pins and needles thinking well, maybe I could be pregnant or maybe not (kinda like I was this month). I wish there was some way that we had the money to be able to keep trying and to keep our options going. I just feel like we are being forced to quit. I don't want to quit trying.. I want to move on and do more treatment. I feel as though I cannot get pregnant unless I put forth effort and try to make it happen. But then again is God telling me that I am putting too much faith in the medicine and not in Him? Should I quit everything all together and just wonder if I will ever miraculously get pregnant on my own? I mean, being labeled as "Infertile" means that I cannot conceive a child without medical intervention which I am willing to use! Even though it does not seem to be on my side right now... Being infertile causes way too much stress, unanswered questions, heartache, and things I just can't endure anymore... I feel like I have been given tons of burdens and I just do not know how much more I can take... I am kinda at my breaking point... Please keep myself and Robbie in your prayers as we will be forced to make difficult decisions about what to do next and our financial ability to do anything further... Thanks so much~

Limousines

I am a nosey person. I must confess! I am an extremely curious person. Watching people at the mall, listening to the conversation at the table next to me during dinner, reading comments on people's Facebook pages... well, you get the picture!

Being the nosey creature that I am, it drives me crazy when I get just a glimpse of something, but I cannot see the entire story. Case in point: limousines with dark windows! They drive me nuts! I know there has to be someone important inside--I just can’t see them. Is it a famous actor or actress! If I could only get a glimpse of that face! If they’d just roll the window down, I could see inside! I speed up or slow down to try to get a peek, but no matter how hard I strain to see what this glamourous vehicle carries, I cannot see through the darkened glass.

We had a limousine drive through our neighborhood this past Saturday night, and of course, I did not know who was in it! Until later... It ended up just being some of our neighbors down the street!

But this scenerio is like infertility.

For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
1 Corinthians 13:12

It would be so much easier to live under the weight of infertility if we knew why. Why does God allow my heart to be ripped apart every time I see someone else with a bulging belly or spit-up stains on their shoulder? Why do so many of my friends have baby showers while I have appointments with fertility specialists? Why can’t I see His hand in my life? Why can’t I see His plan?

It’s because life has darkened windows just like a limousine!

For now we see through a glass, darkly. For now, we cannot see the plan God has so lovingly designed for us. It’s easy to assume that the vehicle of our lives is empty--there could be no great treasure inside! Now we know in part. We know that at least for a time we cannot conceive. Now we know it’s hard. Now we know we beg and plead for a baby but God’s silent answer of “no” resounds through our ears like a thousand trumpets.

God knows it’s hard to see only a part of His plan. He knows it’s tough to only be able to eavesdrop on heavenly conversations and not be able to hear God’s every word about your life. But hang on! We know in part, but one day we will know fully.

If we knew every aspect of God’s plan, where would faith come in? What need would there be to trust God? If we knew fully now, there would be no need to peer into the Scriptures, to strain to hear the voice of God. There would be no reason to strive to seek His face.

One day, you’ll know fully. Until then, keep eavesdropping on Heaven’s conversations. Peer into the darkened windows. Seek His face.

And every time you see the darkened windows of a limousine, know that one day, the window will roll down. You’ll finally see the treasure God placed inside of your life through the vehicle of infertility!

Worry

I am a worrier and worry can be a heavy burden to carry on your journey through infertility. This is a Sarah's Laughter e-mail I received about a week ago.

As infertile couples, there are many issues that we face that other people don’t even consider. For example, the dreaded baby shower! Other people get an invitation to a baby shower and the only complaint they have is that they don’t have time to run to the store to pick up a gift! The woman who struggles with infertility knows what’s inside the envelope as soon as she sees it in the mailbox. It weighs at least 1,000 pounds as she carries it inside! She has to sit down and cry for a few minutes before she garners enough strength to open it up and read it. What makes it worse is that the shower is for her best friend! She forces herself to read the “happy” news, and writes the date and time down on her calendar, right next to the reminder that she has another appointment for blood work on the same day. As she wipes her eyes and blows her nose, she wonders how she’ll make it through another baby shower. Oh, she’ll go! It’ll kill her, but she’ll go! Why? She worries what people would think if she didn’t go to her best friend's baby shower. She worries that her best friend would get her feelings hurt if she didn't go. She just worries.

She worries about her future too. She worries about where the money will come from for her next round of treatment. She worries that the medicine won’t work as well this time. She worries that the strain is going to be too much on her marriage. She worries that if she is never able to conceive. She worries that they will never have children (or more children in my personal case). She just worries.

Do you realize that the very same God who said to you “Do not kill,” and “Do not steal,” also says to you “Do not worry”? He says not to worry because not only does worry weigh you down and make you fearful, worry does nothing to help the situation! And which of you by worrying can add a sing hour to his life’s span? How beautiful it is for God to tell you not to worry! He can do this because He is the One who can make right all the wrongs in your life! He has all power and authority in Heaven and in earth and He tells you not to worry! He even holds authority over infertility, and He tells you not to worry!

In Luke 12, some men approached Jesus and were asking Him to settle a dispute among family members regarding an inheritance. They were worried about their financial future! Along with teaching them that their worth didn't lie in the possessions they owned, Jesus assured them that for a child under His keeping, worry had no place.

Wouldn’t you have loved to have been there? I’ll bet a raven flew overhead and Jesus must have pointed skyward and said “Look at those ravens, fellas. They’re not worried about what they’ll eat today! God feeds them. Don’t you know you’re worth so much more!” Maybe there were lilies growing wild in the fields where He was teaching that day when He said to His listeners “Hey guys! You’ve heard about Solomon. Even his finest robes couldn’t compare to these lilies. Wanna know why? Because God clothes them. He’ll take care of you too.”

He says the same to you today. “Don’t worry, daughter. I know the desires of your heart. You feel all alone in this struggle, but I’m right there with you. I’ll take care of you through it all.” You simply don’t have to worry. Whatever God’s plan is for you, He tells you not to worry because He is fully capable of taking care of you throughout the entirety of His plan. From start to finish, you are under His care, so you can find rest.


Does that mean every thing will be easy sailing? Not necessarily. But we know that God has known every day of your life from beginning to end (Psalm 139:16), and He is fully capable of seeing you through good days and bad, happy times and sad. No matter what you face, whether it is pregnancy, miscarriage, adoption, joy, sorrow, or any combination thereof, God is able to see you through. And because He is able to see you through, He says to you, don’t worry.

Trusting His Plan

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Do you ever ask God for something over and over again and still do not receive an answer? Months and months have passed since Robbie and I have been trying for a second child and it gets so hard not knowing God's plan. Sometimes I just want him to come down here for 60 seconds and talk to me.. face to face. Dealing with unanswered questions really makes me question my faith. I think about my question that I have been asking lately to God in my prayer time: Will I have another child? There are 2 answers to that question: yes or no. I would be fine with either if I just knew! It is so hard just living life on pins and needles just wondering what your life has to hold. Even if God just told me to wait... I would be more fine with that answer knowing that one day I would be able to have another child than just not knowing! Silence is so hard sometimes. Why doesn't God answer me? He has chosen to remain silent in our situation for the time being... maybe He is just saying "wait."

I wonder if God had revealed to me what His calling for my life had really been what would I have done differently? God's plan is perfect. It would definitely be easier if He would just reveal to me whether or not I would have a child. If I knew His plan ahead of time, there would simply be no room for trust. We're called upon to place our faith in an unseen God who reveals His plan to us step by step. He promises to make His plan known to us and we need to know. My job is to acknowledge Him. To trust Him. To cry out to Him and to let Him guide me. I am not called upon to understand what He is doing or to grasp the whole picture of the work He is doing in my life. I jsut need to trust Him. He truely does know what is best.

Ready, Set....

GO! So, my one and only precious follicle is measuring at 24mm! WONDERFUL and so much bigger than the follicles I produced on Femara alone. My estradiol level jumped WAY up to 252! Woo hoo! So, I got to give myself my *hopefully* last shot ever (or at least for a while anyways)! This was the trigger shot called Ovidrel. Instructions by the doctor: Baby Dance the next 3 nights! I might make it 4 just to be on the safe side! Ha ha! Gotta have a little humor. Well, I am currently starting the 2 week wait. I will update when I know something!

Just One...

So, I went in for my ultrasound and blood work this morning at 8:15. My estradiol level was at 78, which is still low. I am only maturing one follicle, so I will only trigger 1 follicle. I have one at 17mm and the rest are at 10mm or below. Hopefully one is all I will need this month to conceive. I have to do 75 units of Follistim tonight and tomorrow night. I have another ultrasound and blood work Tuesday morning at 7:30. I will update when I know more!

Instructions

So, I went in bright and early this morning for blood work and and ultrasound to check the progression of my follicles. I have 1 measuring 12mm, 3-4 measuring 10mm, and 5+ measuring less than 10. So looks like at best I will have 3-4 mature follicles at the time that I trigger. My estradiol level was 42... pretty low. So I am taking 75 units of Follistim the next three nights. Then ultrasound and blood work again on Sunday. Hopefully these bubbles will start to GROW! Big and Strong! =) So I guess in the meantime more picking and poking at myself. Not really what I was expecting, but it is completely fine. I had to order more Follistim, because I only have enough in the refrigerator for 1 more night. There goes another $248! Completely worth it though if the end result is God's plan. Just trying to keep positive!

Can't

This is a perfect post that came to my mind today considering the "can't" that went through my head earlier on in the day.

With struggling with infertility there are so many "can'ts" involved. I can't make plans tonight because it is the Baby Dance Day. I can't go to another baby shower. I can't hear about another person that has gotten pregnant. I can't fingure out how we are going to pay for all this treatment. I can't handle the anxiety anymore. All because I can't conceive!

Today it was "I can't give MYSELF a shot!"

So, as I have been pondering this idea over the past 24 hours of self-injecting my stomach I thought about some of the basic Bible stories in both the New and Old Testament. Jonah and the Whale. David and Goliath. Daniel and the Lion's Den. These are all stories of "can'ts" that were turned into "cans" just wth the power of God's hand.

These people in the Bible were just men and women like me and Robbie. Ordinary people who put their trust and faith in an extraordinary God!

Think about Daniel when he was thrown in the lions’ den. A man “can’t” survive a night with the lions, can he? With God, he can!

What about Jonah? Jonah (or anyone for that matter) “can’t” live inside a huge fish for three days, only to be vomited up at the right place at the right time, can he? With God, he can!

There is little harp player David. How in the world could this little child defeat such a mighty giant? He "can't" unless he has God!

And of course, there’s Sarah! A 90 year old woman cannot conceive and give birth to a healthy child! That’s ludicrous, isn’t it! Of course it is. A woman beyond childbearing age “can’t” give birth to a baby, can she? With God, she can!

The list goes on and on!

The waters of the Red Sea “can’t” part and stand up like walls of stone, can it? With God, it can!

A virgin “can’t” conceive. Water “can’t” be turned to wine. A crowd of 5,000 “can’t” be fed with a child’s lunch. With God, they can!

I have heard myself say many times that I "can't" take it anymore. I "can't" have a child. I "can't" take on another burden or trial. Thinking about these scriptures, I have seen God turn all of those "can'ts" into "cans!" The same God who closed the mouths of the lions, fed thousands of people with nothing more than scraps, breathed life into ancient wombs and even placed His Son in a virgin womb, is the same God who has heard my prayers. He’s the same God who knows how badly I want another baby. God is the only one who can turn all my “can’ts” into “cans”!

I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

Injection Teaching

I had my lesson today in injection teaching! Of course, I went in there with 100 trillion questions and the nurse was probably really ready to slap me! But overall it went very well! I GAVE MYSELF A SHOT! I can't believe it and I am so proud of myself! Now... I just have several more to do over the next few weeks... and by myself. No nurse there to guide me through it. Now I am going to be that little engine that could.... I think I can, I think I can. EXCEPT! I KNOW I can ... because I did it today! Yay! Just had to share my excitement! Gotta have sometime positive to think about to keep my spirits up!

Be Still

Be still and know that I am God.
Psalm 46:10

This is a verse that I visualize everyday. I have this verse on my wall in my dining room.

There have been numerous decisions that my husband and I have had to face with trying to have a baby. Should we seek medical treatment? Should we tell people our struggles or keep it private? Should we take a break this month or try just one more time? Many, many decisions. Some decisions must be made quickly... I am talking minutes to hours... others take time and contemplation. It can get to a point where our life is filled with so many questions and we are constantly in need of answers or in better terms... guidance. Today, I have felt God's hand on our struggle. He has said to "Be Still." These simple words mean so much. I have such a peace and assurance that our decision for this month is the right one.

I am giving God all of my worries. Infertility has caused such chaos in my heart and my life. All I think about is conceiving and being pregnant. It totally consumes my life sometimes. And I have been given great assurance to just "Be Still" and wait. I have hope that this month is our month. I will never loose hope. I pray daily to still be able to get pregnant. But I have a calming peace about me today that if it does not happen this month, it will be okay. It will be okay to just have one child. It will be okay to just have a boy. Everything will be okay. Although I am still working on my anxious heart, I know that if we do not get pregnant this month and decide to take a break from "trying" it will be hard to make that final step in saying that I am finished and my life is complete... Robbie, Karlye, and Ryder. I would love to add on to that list of names. But I have to be content and know that God is in control and He knows the future. He knows what is best for our family. If that means no more children, I will learn to be the best mother I can be to Ryder. I am just so thankful I do get to experience motherhood with Ryder. Having one child has been a tremendous blessing. I feel at peace and I have a stillness about me knowing that I have made the right choices along this thorny path.

I am going to be still and know that God is God and rest in the knowledge that He loves me and has a magnificent plan for my family. Even if life doesn’t pan out the way I dreamed it would, I know that God is still my Stronghold and He will give me strength to get me through.

Cost

This post is just list of the costs we have had to pay for everything. Some of these costs have been paid multiple times.. This is just the average cost per cycle on everything broken down.

Office visit co-pay - $25
Femara (Letrozole) 5.0 mg for 5 days - $122.08
Ovidrel trigger shot (one dose) - $44.25
Ultrasound - $250
Add'l ultrasounds in the same cycle - $133
Blood work to test estradiol level - $70
IUI - $448
300 units of Follistim (lasts 4 days with the 75iu dose) - $248

Every cycle it only gets more and more expensive due to higher medication doses...

Update

These are the tentative plans for this cycle:
Day 3-7 Femara (Letrozole) 5.0mg
Day 5, 7, 9 Follistim injections 75iu
Day 10 Ultrasound to check follicles and blood work to check estradiol level
Baby Dance on Days 10-20! I know... a lot but I want the best chances...

No IUI this month.

After this ultrasound I will know if I need more Follistim and when they will trigger for ovulation with the Ovidrel.

Tomorrow I go in for self-injection training... wish me luck! I am a little nervous!

I am very positive and at ease about this cycle. I think this is the best decision that Robbie and I have made to go forward with this treatment. However, if it does not happen this month, we will definitely be taking September off due to a family vacation Florida. I go back for a followup with Dr. Ke on Sept 21.

Starting Month 16....

of TTC Baby #2.... You have guessed right.. The IUI did not work and I am not pregnant this month. I started my cycle today. I will start Femara again but paired with Follistim injections with month. No IUI though. We will be trying to old fashioned way! I feel VERY good about it and at peace about it. I am hoping and praying and staying positive that it will work. More details will come tomorrow when I find out the specifics from the nurse on this protocol.